Saturday, August 09, 2008

Why David Cameron is nice. But why Max Moseley is more of a genuine rebel.

David Cameron is nice. That's just a fact. He's lovely. I could go on and on about why he is so chubby and cheeky, but I won't. I'll leave him on his little bike to go and do a wheely down the street. Off you go, Davey boy, the grown-ups are talking. Go on, play with little Boris and Georgie Porgie Osbourne. There, he's gone. We can talk.

No, I'm joking. He's a real grown-up with opinions. He has a wife and children. His wife has got a tattoo. His children have no tattoos. That's how ordinary and yet *on-trend* they are.

Cornwall holidays, cycling, stopping off at Tesco to pick up a few bits of salad. Getting your bike nicked.

Lovely. Cute. Chubby.

Wouldn't he look nice with a moustache though?

It really would suit him. Make him look like he was in the RAF. Or sold Barrett houses in the early 1980s. And operated as the leader of a gang of quasi-middle class football hooligans on the weekend. Like Bexi, the Tory voting gang leader in Alan Clarke's masterful suburban epic, The Firm.

Is that you, Dave, love? Do ya want steak pudding for your tea?
Nah, ya alright, ma. I've gotta go out n smash Gordon 'The Yeti' Brown up.

I'm sure that clip is virtually a documentary about Dave's younger days. Bring it on, Labour. Let's hav ya...

Still it may be true. His wife has a tattoo. Apparently her ankle is 'adorned' with a dolphin tattoo. How cute is that? And we all know Dave probably has a Chelsea FC tatt on his left bicep. Scratched on with a penknife and some biro ink. Always keepin it real, is our Dave.

"Straight outta Eton crazy party leader named Dave C
From the gang called Toriez with Attitudez

You Labour muthaz can't muck with me
So when I'm in your parliament, you better duck
Coz party leader Dave C is crazy to ruck
As I leave, believe I'm stompin
but when I come back, boy, I'm comin straight outta Eton

Chorus: College of Eton! College of Eton!
College of Eton! College of Eton!
College of Eton! College of Eton!

[Money George] Yo Boz!
[MC Boris] Whassup?
[Money George] Tell em where we from!

Yeh, we straight outta Eton n hangin wi tha hoodies... "

(Of course, many humble apologises to N.W.A. for the above.)

But O! O! How I wish he would just come out of the house one day with a full-on Maori face tattoo. Come on Dave, Mike Tyson did it? Why can't you? Wimp.

At least grow a tash? Very big in Hoxton they are. Very trendy.

O how I wish that his wife looked more like Amy Winehouse. Or that she actually was Amy Winehouse. Then I’d vote for him. I'd like to Photoshop them together. Preferably the wedding photos. How lovely they would look. O well, we'll just have to imagine it. He would definitely get my vote anyway.

In a Boris Johnson *only havin a laff* kinda way. Perhaps I could start an internet rumour.

*Winehouse in cocaine Cameron sex shocker*.

Not sure it’d be that shocking though really.

I mean we’ve all done it, haven’t we, at one time or another? Had sex with Amy Winehouse whilst David Cameron watched and snorted cocaine of the naked body of a sleeping illegal immigrant? Oh, right. Just me then. Hey that was a night, let me tell you.

But back to brass tacks. The tieless toff. He caught up on that trend pretty early on. Every day is ‘dress-down Friday’ for Dave Camera-on and his pals. He’s like a kid rebelling against his Dad, but in a way that merely makes his dad *a little bit cross*.

Wouldn’t it be nice if his dad was Max Moseley? How do you rebel if your dad is a sado-masochist fantasy spanker? How do you do the opposite of that? Become a nun, probably. Let’s have a quick at the pages of *Wiki-untruth-pedia*. Yes, turns out one of Max Moseley’s daughters is a nun. Whereas his son is a prominent fascist leader. Sorreeeee. Got confused. That’s his dad. Ahhh, it’s all starting to make some kind of crazeeeeeee sense. So to rebel against his father – whose Black Shirt party tended to like beating up foreigners (allegedly? do I have to say *allegedly* regarding Oswald Moseley & his fascist chums?) - young Max rebelled by doing the opposite - he paid foreign ladies to beat him up!!! Ha and ho and ha ha ha.

O how he must have laughed. Max is an anti-fascist. He’s the opposite of a xenophobe. A xenophile.

But better than that cos he lets foreigners beat him up, then pays them!!! Genius. This whole spanky spanky German lady episode is like his own personal programme of reperation for the sins of the father. His whole life and personal pleasure seeking is as finely nuanced as one of Zeno's paradoxes.

I want to applaud young Maxy. I want to spank him on his naughty bottom. But I’m not sure he’d appreciate it cos I’m never going to look sexy in a prison guard’s uniform and my German language knowledge is limited to the phrases found in the *Commando* comics of the 1980s.

But yeah! Take that Dave *make sure the* Camera-is-on. Ker pow!!!! In your face. If you can come up with a better rebellion than that I will doff my flat cap and put a *cap* in my whippet’s bony head. Bring it on, big Dave. Make my whippet quiver with fear.

Sorry, what? You want to care for the poor….. oooh. Well that’s some Tory rebel talk. That’s going to have Mrs Thatch spinning in her care home bed. It’s the sort of talk that will start to frighten the horses. But not the riders on the hunt for power and influence, cos they know you’re not really telling the truth.

Election fighting kit all present and correct:

Spread betting multimillionaire’s bazillions of pounds to spend on directed advertising (ready)

Smoke and mirrors polices: caring for the poor by bringing back the workhouses, cancelling Tax Credits, getting rid of SureStart and nursery school provision for all. (yeah, sorted)

Nice hair (it’s a bit helmet heady at the moment but if I brush it through with some jojoba dry shampoo it’ll be lovely. Give me a minute…)

Ok. Let’s stop. He’s a nice guy. He’s a pretty straight kinda guy.

My, don’t you just love ill-informed, fact abusing tinternet rants? Amusing for about a second then it just seems like the whole world is going to cave in or your head is going to explode. So say no. Go out. Go get some fresh air, I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care what the weather is like. Get out. Get your face out of this screen. Be gone with you or the ranting madness will eat up your brain…

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