Monday, August 04, 2008

Why internet dating is brilliant. Why it is something you should never have anything to do with. Why I am fascinated by Craigslist.

1. Internet dating! It's great. You can't actually see anyone, but you're chattin em up! Even if they send you a photo - how truthful is it likely to be. Hilarious! It's the next best thing to having an arranged marriage. Brilliant. Or it can be utterly, brilliantly heart rending. You get to fall in love with someone who tells you she's a beautiful woman from Siberia & it turns out he's a truck driver from Walsall. I tell you - that's the last time I'm ever gonna trust someone on

2. Internet dating! It's a great way to spend a winter. Or a summer. Or just 18 hours in any 24 hour day. Hello weekend, goodbye world, I shall be spending most of the next 48 hours emailing a truck driver from Walsall.

3. Internet dating! To be honest, you would be more likely meeting someone nice if you just stood in a shopping mall handing out leaflets for a double-glazing firm. I'm sure someone would talk to you eventually.

4. Internet dating! It does make for fantastic voyeuristic sport. I'm a big fan of the idle pleasure to be had at Craigslist.

Craigslist: it's sort of an American thing as far as I can work out. Like gumtree but almost definitely odder...

Here's my Craig'sList Top 10 Personal ads
(I've only read about eleven, but one of them was really dull... here goes - counting up in DJ style - and be warned - they almost all contain industrial language and depict scenes/attitudes of a depraved & adult nature ...)

number 10 - This girl, yeah, she's just a little geeky & odd, but with just the right amount of aggressive attitude ... eek - you go l33t girl

Socially maladjusted girl seeks geekboy for relationship abuse
  • Everytime I post one of these I get flooded with 30yrold+ men with steady jobs. I am 24 going on 16 and well on my way to getting fired for ircing all day. I want a fellow slacker who rarely leaves his bedroom, but who is also willing to break into abandoned warehouses with me at 3am on a Tuesday. I like scrawny geekboys between 21-27 that I can toss across the room. If you exercise in any regular way, we aren't going to work out, trust me. I have two cats named awk and grep. If you don't get the joke, don't reply. If you do get the joke, note that I am fucking hilarious. read more
number 9 - This would be my approach, definitely. Has to be a winner...

Every girl I’ve ever dated has been crazy!
  • I refuse to think that I’m only attracted to psychos, or *gasp* that I might be perceiving everyone else as crazy when in fact I’m the one who’s nuts. Rather, I choose to believe that by pure coincidence, all of my exes have just been completely fucking nuts! Are there any normal girls out there with zero drama? I’m so sick of these incredibly hot girls with perfect bodies who turn out to be mentally unstable; I’m ready for an incredibly hot girl with a perfect body who I can MARRY. Are you out there? read more
number 8 - More anger and frustration. There's a lot of it about...

Good lays are hard to find.
  • How about trying out the older gent in hopes that, like everyone says, he has pleasing a woman all figured out? Not surprisingly, I found the old-man groaning to be too distracting for me to enjoy myself at all. And just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm going to call you Daddy. Cause that's gross. I already have a Daddy, and I don't want to be involved with his penis in any way. At all. read more
number 7 - This lady, well, ya know, it takes all sorts...

Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w
  • I'll dress up like an office professional or something like that, in some clothes I don't care about, and pretend to be doing some work in an office or something. Maybe then I'll listen to a prop radio and look shocked, act scared, peer out a mimed window or something, and then you batter on the door. And batter, and batter, and push -- and break in! And I let out a blood-curdling shriek, and you lunge at me and rip my clothes apart and splatter fake blood all over me (we'll use a tarp on the floor, to be polite), and proceed to savagely violate me. Or something like that -- I'm not really tied to that exact SCENE, but I think something that goes that way would be fun. read more
number 6 - O! This is such a lovely short story. Sad, beautiful and exactly like the plot of an old Wigley's spearmint gum commercial. Well I'm willing to believe it's true...

Bus Boyfriend, I want to smell you again.
  • I actually went home and told my boyfriend about you. I called you my Bus Boyfriend. I normally don't tell my boyfriend about random men who want to hit on me but who, true to the Seattle way of life, don't bother. But I told him about you because I wanted him to be aware that other, completely random men occasionally want to be physically close to me, because this is something that even jealous boyfriends are often prone to forgetting. You probably know, Bus Boyfriend, what it's like when you're with a girl for a couple years. If you know she's faithful, you start thinking, "Hey, I'm the only one who has access to this poon..." Then you start thinking, "Hey, no one else really thinks about this woman but me." read more
number 5 - No, no & thrice no. I'm not havin this one. It's not even a proper ad, but it's surely wish-fulfillment fantasy fiction - right? Or just very very wrong. Perhaps it was the zombie girl...

My Ear Hairs Got Me Laid
  • Being an older gentleman trimming the hairs that grow out of the tops of my ears, not the inside ones, isn't on my high priority list. The other day I was in the whole foods place out in east liberty when a woman approached me and said, "you poor man, you must not have anyone to take care of you do you?" read more
number 4 - Hmm, there's a frustration theme here I'm picking up on - how honest the writer is - if they're even a woman - well, I don't know, but again, I'm slightly terrified. This one is very ruuuude, but what a great title...

Just fucking fuck me, already.
  • Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do. read more
number 3 - Why sir, you are just so clever. Maybe just a little too clever, damn you...

Witty statement or question that attracts your attention
  • Stock greeting that doesn't sound stupid -
  • Standard self-introduction including name, age, and gender. Indication that I'm new here and it's been fucking hard to meet people. Ongoing display of false confidence to avoid scaring off the cool people. Tone of playful indifference that masks the bitterness and misery that accompany loneliness. Broad-ranging list of personal interests in an admittedly pathetic attempt to have something in common with you. Haughty and cliched (but genuine) mention of disregard for all mainstream forms of media. Obligatory inclusion of specific cult-classic movie titles and possibly trendy underground rock group names. Deliberate smattering of expletives to offend and filter out uptight cunt-baskets. End of paragraph. read more
number 2 - Arrrhh, cute kooky title. This is gonna be a funny one - what? No. Seriously? O. Okay then...

  • Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows – for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask. read more
number 1 - Ummm, this lady has got quite an impressive list. Scarily comprehensive. Combines strong mindedness with utter neediness. And manages to push virtually every male fantasy button going (or maybe that's just me?). Anyway, I can't fail to be impressed by this one - especially the bit about earplugs and snoring ...

1001 reasons why you wanna be my boyfriend
  • I've never kicked a boy in the balls
  • I recycle
  • I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
  • I won't steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
  • I'll take care of you when you're sick and sometimes just because I think you're the shit
  • I'll make fun of you
  • I come with my own set of ear plugs in case of snoring read more
I think there's genius in these adverts/pages/deliberate fictions. More than in any book of short stories I've read recently, that's for sure. Folk art...

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