Thursday, August 07, 2008

Why Channel 4 need to contact me now. Why *Berkshire Hunt* is more than just cockney rhyming slang. Why Labour's 35th bestest thing aint *all that*.

Remember all those protests about fox hunting? Nasty angry people fighting each other?

Auntie Hunt: "I like lovely pretty orange foxes! I want to kiss them and let them eat my chickens!"

Professor Hunt: "I like lovely pretty bloody foxes! I also like chasing them and letting dogs rip them apart!"

All that pushin n shovin n arguin n bonkers madness when Norbert (or was it Otis?) Ferry invaded the House of Commons. He ran around n shouted at people. It was funny. But not very. Just a bit silly. O my. There was a time - when was it now? Seems like ages - when you couldn't move for people wanting to kiss or kill foxes.

And now where are they, huh? What are they doing these days?

I'll tell you: ripping open black bin bags n eating next door's rabbit, that's what.

Bloody hippies, haven't you got any environmental issues you could be protesting about? Hmmm? Instead of hanging round my back yard freecycling your way through my household detritus like some bloomin Womble.

Well that's who I like to blame anyway for all that late night noise and bin emptying. So, where are we now with fox hunting? It's all just yesterday's news, matey boy. Finished. They don't do it any more....

But no. It hasn't finished. Not really. Not... at all really. It just (to use a Jeremy Clarkson style sentence structure) got a helluva lot more exciting (insert screaming Eddie Van Halen guitar solo of your choice) ...


Yes, that's right - they've TAKEN it to ANOTHER LEVEL>>>>>> Fox Hunting: is now NEW & IMPROVED, baby... now with !these !!!NEW!!! Foxtastic modifications

Read this:
"The first professional huntsman to be prosecuted by police for hunting a fox has today denied all the charges against him. Julian Barnfield, of the Heythrop hunt, which rides in Oxfordshire and Gloucestershire, is accused of hunting a wild mammal with dogs... The Hunting Act bans the killing of foxes and other mammals with dogs, although it allows hunts to use their hounds to flush out the animals so they can be shot or killed by a bird of prey." [from The Guardian]
How cool and exciting does that sound?

Why oh why oh why oh WHY is fox hunting NOT a televised sport? Huh? How can it not be?

Channel 4, listen! Also, you, Michael Grade, controller of failing & 0906 obsessed network ITV - this would so work on ITV4. Come on! Here is the pitch:-

Treasure Hunt meets that diggin up old dead people show that Baldrick presents. That one. Only with nice jaunty posh people on horses. It is gonna be so smashing!!!
Or: Big Brother meets The Horse of The Year Show meets Bill Oddie's strange and unnatural interest in animals meets Public Executions meets... okay, most of those shows are rubbish, but this takes the best elements from them and, okay, no, okay, I know... no, please, Michael, can I start again?... How about this other idea I've got: MONKEY TENNIS! What? O. You've heard that idea before?

O. Okay. Well listen, Fox Hunting - here is my idea - in PowerPoint bullet point format. Ready?
  • Sexy Jilly Cooper look-a-likes in black leather boots chase furry wild dog.
  • Or they just chase the cast of Big Brother, and leave the fox to get on with harrying free range chickens. Imagine the scene - Springwatch with added violence - cameras in every tree - danger, excitement. Dead idiots. Bill Oddie chuckling; Davina McCall screeching.
  • Phone 0906 to guess who will win the game. A) the fox, B) the eagle, or C) Rex from Big Schmutter, or D) the telephone company.
  • Use it as a punishment for inner-city hoodie criminal types. Chuck em in a field. Tell em to run. "Release the hounds!" Of course, the dogs aren't allowed to actually kill the miscreant scamps. But if an eagle was to unfortunately peck out their eyes. O what a pity. Maybe that'll teach em a lesson. Hmm? Plus what a fantastic combination of reality shows that would be. Too many to even be bothered to list...
  • The idea has worked well in many films. That one where John Claude Van Damme gets hunted; Punishment Park, The Running Man. That Disney film with foxes cuddling up to hounds.
  • Best of all!!! On a list of 50 bestest things they have done since 1997 - at no. 35 - Labour proudly proclaim that they have "banned fox hunting". Hey!!! Well they've pissed off the dogs, but given more employment to eagles. Well I'm always in favour of giving more work to eagles, so I'll vote for that improvement.
Michael Grade, Channel 4 - contact me at the usual address - but if you do come up with a fox/people hunting show and don't credit me with the idea. I will sue you and then I will hunt you with my pet poodle...

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