Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Why big ear holes are beyond me.

Now don't get me wrong, kids. You youthful types are great.

I love you all, in strictly non-touchy no-feely kinda way, of course. All above board. All theoretical this is. Now then, let me start again.

You can come in here (my imaginary house) with your tattoos and your sticky-uppy hair. Fine. I accept that. You can be an Emo if you like. An emo is just an experiment between a Goth and a New Romantic that went wrong and came out extra-skinny (or extra-chunky depending on how badly wrong the wardrobe based experiment went). Skin tight black jeans (Jim Morrison). Dyed hair (New Wave). Miserable as sin (Holden Caulfield). Yeah. I get ya. You can't put anything past me.

That goes for you lot as well in your do-rags, your hoods, your baggy saggy jeans hangin round your ankles cos you're not allowed to have a belt in the pen. Uh? Huh? Ayt? Hood up to prevent identification by CCTV. O yeh. It's Big Brother time out there - on da street. Up your ends. In ya hood wearin a hood.

*It's all good.*

I get it. Every year I get it like I get a persistently dribbly nose and a bit of a head cold every February. I get da youth fashion. It's not for me, of course it isn't. I actually tried on a pair of straight leg jeans in *The Gap*. Yeh, that's right - the shop that shows my age. And a style of jeans that showed the thickness of my Bobby Charlton/Chris Hoy style thighs. Hey - it's all muscle, baby. My body fat is as low as a Tesco's *Be Good To Yourself* chicken thigh. My thighs are just skin, hair and meat. Yummy.

So. To reiterate - the tatts - surely the worst thing you could do to yourself in this day and age, right?

If we don't count stubbing out cigarettes on your eyelids for a bet, random knife-based self-harming, or wearing a Scouting For Girls tour t-shirt.

Tattooing the name of your cat on your wrist has to be something that is going to upset your parents, doesn't it?

That is if your parents didn't go into the parlour with you to have all the names of their grandchildren stabbed n inked all over their lower back. And if they did? Fine. I'm all in favour of random, squiggly ink splots daubed on unimpressive bodies. Gives you something to look at. Especially when they're stood in front of you in a bus queue on a summer's day and you're trying to read the words on their upper arm. Does that say *Man Love Forever* or *Man U Four Everton Nil*. Probably neither and a crap example either way.

Most people get pictures. Of Harry Potter. Of their kids. Of Chairman Mao. Of a fish. A dancing lady - I saw a guy of about 23 with a naked lap-dancer on his forearm - I really did want to question that one - who was that going to impress - but then I realised it was probably a masturbatory aid for if he should ever end up stranded, alone on a desert island. Heaven forbid that he'd have to end up using his dirty imagination...

O, that made me feel superior for many minutes. Me and my unblemished epidermis - unblemished apart from the acne & chicken pox scars, the scars from cuts & operations, the birth marks, moles and random everyday blemishes.

I don't have much deliberate skin damage/decoration. And it almost makes me feel weedy and jealous of their bravery in re-designing their genetically ordained skin coverings. Why should we put up with looking the way *God* has designed us?

So I don't rule out the option of one day tatting up my epidermis. Should I ever find a design that I like, a tattoo artist I could trust & a body part suitable for drawing on.

Note: having a hairy chest kinda rules that area out of the equation right? I could of course shave my chest, have a bald ape tattooed onto my left pectoral, then let the hair grow back and see how the ape looks then. Like Bigfoot the Yeti hiding in a forest of hair... Yeah, and true, that was an image we could have all done with out...

But ear holes have done me in. Brought on an early (?) mid-life crisis.

You got me youts, you really got me. I don't dig em. I am genuinely freaked out by em. I'll be honest as an onion.

See, from a sensible adult point of view - hair you can change - tatts - provided you don't get a spider's web tattooed on your neck - you can cover em up. Should you ever wish to get a job as an accountant or become Prime Minister. But big ear holes - and I should define my point here. Provide a photo - here - or there - depending where the html sends it. That photo, that you can see - there. Forcing the earlobe to accomodate a big ole frisbee shaped object d'art/d'fashion.

What happens when you take em out, kids? These Ear Spacers? Are they gonna seal back up? Or are you gonna look like you've got massive wonky ear lobs hangin down with a big black hole in the space where the skin is pulled apart.

So okay, fine, it's a *flesh tunnel*. How helpful is the internet - you can find stuff even when you don't know what it's called...

That's what freaks me out, to be honest. And that is what proves how oldy fashionedy I am. How square and non-fash I am. You can't be a weekend punk once you've got one of these, like herpes, these babies are yours for life.

What next: ear shaping? Ear cropping/pointing/elfing?

Fine. By the time you're my age you'll have saggy, baggy, holey ear bottoms - and I hope you'll enjoy them. As much as the people of my age with bad Winnie the Poo tattoos on their ankles, or who have ineptly drawn barbed wire round their biceps love their youthful lifetime decisions. Fine. Just fine. Just don't come running to me. Cos I'll be the 80 year old codger with earlobes as big as a garden gnomes - but that'll be the process of ageing, not some crazy youthful design.

But thinking about it - maybe when I'm 80 I'll have nothing to lose. Maybe that's when I'll get a big pair of frisbee sized ear-rings...


  1. Anonymous10:40 pm

    to be honest, i think you have all the right points, especially about the ear lobe flesh things, i object to them. however youths will be youths, we feel the need to be different. hence the dressing up as 'emos' we are merely copying the looks of the memebers of the bands that we love to listen to. fashion changes, always will. tattoos, well yes they will get slightly mankier, but when your 80, who is going to see your tattoes anyway, most 80 year olds stay in there homes, probably afraid of the next 30 generations of teenagers, be them emos or chavs.
    from a kid, who is friendly.

  2. Anonymous8:25 pm

    your a fucking idiot. how about you get spacers, then you can tell me how bad they are. no one cares about your opinion, you dont own my ears so shuv it up your ass you prick. oh and while your at it get a life that doesnt include writing long articles about your thoughts on other peoples jewellery

    1. Anonymous9:09 am

      And no one cares about your ears. You don't like his opinion, I don't like your ears. That's what freedom of choice/speech is all about... Like you know the statement you are trying to make.

      Way to miss the point tough guy.

  3. Anonymous8:26 pm

    ps. fuck off cunt

  4. Anonymous9:57 pm

    LMAO... Jewellery...
    Go die, They look gay, Go stick a penis in your ear hole...

    1. Anonymous12:33 am

      Bahahahaa! I'm pretty sure that's what there for! Excellent comment! Haha

  5. Anonymous1:58 pm

    I have to say, I love the way this article is written. The Sarcasim is GREAT! LOVE! and I totally agree with you on the ear deformers! What a pointless painful waste of time! What do large ear lobes do to help someone in life? NOTHING!
    About the Tattoos, however, I have to say, i honestly believe that they can have meaning! I'm looking at getting one for my uncle who passed away, because he's my Guardien Angel, and i say if the tattoo means something to the person, why not get one! But thats just me!

    Overall, good arguments!

  6. Anonymous5:09 am

    i think that having flesh-holes and tattoos are up to the person who has them, it's their idea, and i think blogging something like this is completely 100% the biggest waste of your time. i have a 4mm fleshhole, tiny right? and it'll close up when i want it too, infact, im currently waiting for my dad to come home now to see it. your opinion isnt going to change what people want to do with their bodies, nor is it ever going to affect you, what someone looks like when they're eighty? you'll be dead anyway?

  7. Anonymous12:56 am

    some guy just came for an interview for me and he has dodgy looking droopy ear lobes, i coldnt stop staring at them , he is very embarassed and ashamed now. I think they look ok when in but you cant have em forever.

  8. you're just like everyone else, you're too judgmental about what people do.it's their body, let them do what they want with it. just because you don't like them, doesn't mean you have to badmouth them and everyone who has them. I personally have big holes in my ears, and they look beautiful. no one comes up to me and says "hey those are useless blah blah blah", so why should you write some big article about it? i'm sure there's something I can nitpick at in your life, like the fact that you sit and write useless articles all day, or maybe you like beastiality, idk. but I know there's something that you do in your free time that I could write an article about badmouthing it, just like you did my ear holes.

  9. Anonymous8:26 am

    You have a good point! I think the ear stretchers are fine, I have one myself but I'm not going very big, I don't fancy having saggy ear lobes either. Some tattoos do look ridiculous... not that it'll stop me getting them myself. I like the way you express your opinion, which, at the end of the day, everybody has the right to do. Same as everybody has the right to do what they please concerning tattoos / piercings etc. A lot of tattoos mean something to the person, mine however will probably just be decorative but I'm not getting anything too extreme. By the way, I'm a 15 year old girl who liked your post. :)

  10. Anonymous6:33 pm

    You can guage your ear lobes up to a 0 (most regular piercings are a 20 or an 18) and they'll still heal back up when you take out the spacer. So, if you 'play it safe' and don't go beyond 'the point of no return' spaced ears are NOT 'for life'. Just sayin'. You're funny, but suck at doing research.

  11. J0NNi6:16 pm

    yup yup yup double zero 00 size is typically the point of no return

  12. Anonymous12:07 pm

    This is pretty trashy to be honest!? I have tattoos that all have meaning, i have flesh tunnels at 35mm in each ear, i have 2 tounge piercings, two nipple piercings, about 7 other ear piercings, a lip piercing and i love them all im nearly 40 and its life as we know it, i started stretching my ears when i was 14 and im now 38 and i still fucking love them, if you have thoughts and a big bold statement like that then keep it to yourself! also i would like to add you are obviously too stuck p your own arse to realise what 'an emo' is, its a person who doesnt really care how they express theirselves because they dont wanna end up like you!

  13. loved the article.. but what i really love was everyone bashing the author for "wasting his time" writing this... it must have gotten the job done if you took the time to read it & post a response!

    & I'm going to go ahead & say I'm a 21yr old female & I have a large tattoo. He's entitled to his own opinion. if you don't like it... don't read it!

  14. Whoa, I hate these kids, I'm 21 years old and sorta wanna stick a fucking hook in these gauged earlobes so that I can hang these freaks from the ceiling of a school gym.... I Have a tattoo, but who in their right mind wants to look like a freak.... Some peoples kids.... Btw, loved your article, your hot :D Cheers

    By the way I'm not Anonymous, I'm Dave, and I hate you all

  15. I'm a 22 year old girl, and I couldn't agree more.

    I can understand people responding in a negative way - and I appreciate that they're also in title to their opinion.
    What I love though, even more than your personal opinion on the matter, is the way you've written this piece. It's witty and clever, way more than you can say about most of comments made by this "angry mob" ;)

  16. Anonymous10:52 am

    I completely agree wih the author, I have (hopefully not for long) some neighbours with massive ear holes and covered in tattoos and piercings and the worst thing is definitely the ear holes. I'm a young professional and all my friends agree with me, it's Nasty...but I should be thanful..someone has to mop those toilet floors. Maybe they should have considered therapy at a young age!

  17. Anonymous2:45 pm

    you can get them sewed back up after, doesnt matter how big you stretch them, i know this through experience

    1. Anonymous5:20 am

      You'll need money to go back to normal. In reality you would need a Dr.s help....MONEY!!!!!!! Who the hell is going to hire you or want you around!

  18. Anonymous10:03 am

    I really was looking forward to cheer whomever commented with total lack of subjectivism,therefore completely with total absence of free-will subconcious influence... sorry... I belive the universe has it`s own way,above our selfs,perfect by nature,of unwinding itself...and by not comprehending the reality that surrounds us(including the reality of others) is not helping us get very far...but it`s human,so it`s ok...right?

  19. Anonymous1:32 am

    hhaha you get so much hate but you're right. even though i was offended :') nobody cares what people like you think though ;) x

  20. Anonymous1:54 am

    Goodness me, people don't like to feel like they're being criticised do they? Clearly they care about your opinion very much.

  21. Anonymous9:39 am

    For all those who disagree and who are very rude about it you are the pricks. You don't have to cuss the woman out. She is right about what she says and she does have the freedom of speech. She is allowed to have her opinion and you are allowed to have your as well. So stop the rude mouth cussing as it only proves how immature you are. No where in her article does she state that you have to change. She is just expressing how she thinks is weird that one might put a big hole in their ear. I'm freaked out about it, but doesn't mean that she or I are going to tell you to take out the spacers and change what you do with your ears. Same thing goes for tattoos. Nothing wrong with what she said and she did it very well. So if you don't like what she said then feel free to say so, but try to be grow up about it and not curse. That's just you having a big baby tantrum cuz someone doesn't like your style. Get over it you cursing pricks!

  22. I agree with everyone. In the sense that I'm not 100% bothered. And it's been a while since I wrote this original post and y'know, you get used to things. Like bendy-buses or hen party crowds wearing angel wings - eventually you stop even looking at them. I don't want to wear angel wings, but it's your business.
    That said, I do enjoy it when I get some abusive comments. Thank you for caring.

  23. Anonymous2:43 am

    you´re going to look ugly when you are old... with or without piercings/tattoos... it doesn´t matter -_-!

  24. Anonymous11:04 am

    Take the "dont tell me what to do" and the " your article is a waste of time" as compliments. If these people truly were not effected by this, they would not have commented. Now once they get out of their "fashion trends" and want to move out of mom and dads place, getting a job other than working at a record shop or "Hot Topix" is going to be difficult unless they work int he back and not dealing with customers face-to-face. Thats a fact. Go to McDonalds, WalMart, CVS Pharmacy, just about any place... no one that deals with customers looks like that. The manager certainly does not. How about, umm, cable TV installers? nope. But whatever...if they want to look like someone grabbed them from behind their head and smashed it into a tacklebox, cool. You must have wanted to stick out in the crowd to look like this, so deal with these comments. You cant be stupid enough to know others dont say this as well

    1. Anonymous7:02 am

      These people that want to express themselves through so called "body art" just need to keep in mind....there are only so many jobs open at the freak show! When you can't get, keep or hold a job because of your "body art and the freedom to express yourselves" don't blame society or expect us to foot the bill to feed you. These are your choices, I unfortunately have a step son in this category, can't keep a job and is homeless, No matter how many holes you put in you or how many tattoos you have , you have labeled yourself.....and limited your self in the working world. Congrats you have just failed.......again!

  25. Thanks for this post and the colorful opinions. I'm old and have done things I wish I could take back. I don't like the ear stretchers (I'm grossed out and not impressed) and while I'm on the subject, I think wearing the side-ways bill on the hats looks like something the lollipop league would wear from Wizard of Oz. Looks defiant and stupid. I would not hire anyone with either. Keep the piercings and tats under your clothes, and you can work for me.

  26. Anonymous2:53 am


  27. Anonymous6:00 am

    The comments are just as ignorant as the article written. I have 10mm tunnels and I didn't get them done because I thought they were going to “get me somewhere in life” and I know that I will grow up. But what is worse, having jewelry that a few people object to, or going through life being afraid to do what you want with your body and your image? It's scary to think that people can be so closed minded and too afraid to do what they want because they are afraid how it will look once they have grey hair. I'd rather be a tattooed, pierced and individual 70 year old lady than someone who conformed to being just another woman trying to please social norms.

    Grow up.

  28. Anonymous6:05 am

    Also, in regard to (AnonymousDec 14, 2011 02:04 PM) - not everybody wants a job in fucking Maccy D's or a job working with customers. I know lecturers, doctors, graphic and fashion designers, musicians, architects, advertising execs and entertainment managers who have tattoos, stretched ears and facial piercings. These are the people who make the world great. We don't all want to work behind a counter for our life, and these people, the educated creatives, rely on their talent and not their unblemished skin to get ahead. So ignorant.

  29. Isn't it nice to have a plurality of opinion in our lovely liberal society? I think so. I even like it when people call me a C U next Tuesday. Such passion. Lovely. My favourite colour is green but some people prefer purple. That is my essential point; but if people want to shout they can. Huzzah!

  30. And, also, ibid, shouldn't you be in the business of upsetting fuddyduddy young fogies like me? You shouldn't be trying to convince me that you're right and I'm wrong; you should glory in my lack of understanding. Tattoos are mainstream; dubstep is quite nice to listen to when you're drinking a cup of tea; heavy metal is mehhh - how can young people rebel and annoy in this pluralist day and age?

    Join a cult religion
    Commit suicide
    Become a far right politician

    it's not much of a choice; so why not create some headshaking lack of understanding amongst the olds by having some large earrings. In the two years since I wrote this, very few people have ever understood my point: I don't want em, but you're free to have em yourself. You can also wear a veil or drink your own widdle: I don't really mind. In a way I was merely highlighting how difficult it is to shock; and two years later: I'm not really shocked any more. So now we're all happy. Fabulous.

  31. Nice Post! They look pretty smart n I've got a stretcher and I'm just cleaning it with a salt water solution as it's easy to make up and I stretched my ears very harshly to only 6mm and got a blowout. It's nasty and I would definitely recommend your advice of using every size available and do not use some pretty heavy jewelry regularly. Thanks for sharing..

    flesh tunnels

    1. Anonymous12:23 pm

      God ids God and He always will be God . You cant through all and any works of disfiguring change that fact and the sooner we realize we are not our on but bought with a price the happer well be to know we can have an expected end. Jesus died for all thouse who take it upon them selfs to recreate the very body God gave them . Know this you are not ur own and you will always serve someone. Who will you serve ? The one who died for you or the one who seeks to devour u.