Sunday, September 21, 2008

Why eyebrows are important in a time of economic gloom.

"Madonna is sporting some serious eyebrows in this shot as well... One can pinpoint the era of the photos by gauging the thickness of Madonna's eyebrows and the amount of armpit hair." [from]

Eighties, Eighties (to para-phrase, or even just quote, the band *Killing Joke*) I'm livin in the Eighties. And even if that is not quite true, we may as well enjoy the lyrics for a minute ...

"Eighties - i'm living in the eighties
Eighties - i have to push, i have to struggle
Eighties - get out of my way, i'm not for sale no more
Eighties - let's kamikaze 'til we get there"
[from the song, Eighties, of course]

I mean, don't you feel like that sometimes? I certainly have to push - doors especially - to get them open. I have to struggle - often I struggle with pickle jars, or else when I'm trying to complete a Suduku. It's no joke, mate. Get out of my way, I'm not for sale no more. I'm like a house that has been on the market for too long & owing to the ongoing downturn in the econony, it just won't sell. So it's not for sale, right?

I want to Kamikaze till I get there.

That's just precisely how I feel about now. Thanks Killing Joke. It's easy to take your lyrics out of context and be flippant. I find that very easy. But it is a great song and I suggest everyone in the world downloads it and uses it if they're making a retro-documentary about that Eighties decade.

<<<--- Look left! Killing Joke, looking browsome, yesteryear

Which brings me on to more pressing and pertinent matters. It seems tonight we're going to pluck like it's nineteen-eighty-four... i.e. not very much.

The Brow is BACK. Big time, big style, big, big but mainly BIG... As it always is in times of economic strife...

Never mind looking at the height of a hem as the economic bellwether of the times; it's all about the brows. I can't be bothered to do the research but I'm just going to say it like I believe it and hope that becomes a fact by dent of repetition - like tiny browed Sarah Palin is fond of doing.

And how do I know about this brow-baggage come back - non-fashionista that I am? Hmmm? Because my style bible The New Statesman, lefty political mag & website tells me so. I'm not sure when they became my oracle on all matters fash, but never mind. Apparently, in other news red ties are really in right now. And cheap badly fitted suits. Yeh, I'll buy that. It's a good look...

As was the early Mad Donna look. Chubby, funky, accessorized with more crosses than anyone should have to bear; Maddy was all about the belly button & the brows. She invented - as far as I was concerned - the belly. The proper female tummy. And invented the idea that it was okay to dance around showing it off on telly. Did anyone run around with their *pudding pocket* hanging out prior to the winsome Material Girl's arrival on our planet? Sure, boobs could hang out, legs could be flashed, but I don't recall any erogenous or non-erogenous revealing of the *pie pouch*. Or am I vastly vastly wrong? Hmmm.

Never mind, in the words of ABC, never mind, mustn't grumble, have another piece of apple crumble...

And it looked like Maddy didn't mind. You had to admire her. You had to love those hairy caterpillers sitting contentedly above her eyes. Wow. For a - male of an impressionable young age with some serious browage of his own - they were a foxy revelation.

Then like the fashion woman she is, she grew up and changed. She worked out a lot and worked out that some people were having a go at her for her vulpine Latin eye architecture. Next time I saw her, she
was plucked and veined, with a body as hard as a porn star's penis. I'm sorry to say that as a fairly traditional chap, it was a look that didn't do a great deal for me. And this isn't just rampant sexist bla bla bla from me - well it is, but... - but Professor Germaine Greer has similar thoughts, albeit probably from a different direction:

"The first time I saw her on a US talk show she was wearing an unbecoming greeny-sludge-coloured dress and enough eyebrow hair to stuff a shirt, but she nailed every one of the host's knee-jerk reactions. She was sharp, funny, tough, and wonderfully brave. She used to call herself the "future of feminism"; Camille Paglia and I were happy with that." [Germaine Greer in The Independent, like a couple of years ago.]

My fear of the diminished brow had started years earlier, getting my chips & gravy from the chippy at Woodsend Circle. *Arden's Hard uns* - called coz the chips were a bit hard/coz it rhymed. The lady owner had brows painted up near her hairline. She looked more surprised than Gordon Brown with a lead in an opinion poll. Drawn on. No actual hair. Like a bad drag artist. It was - to a 9 year old - both fascinating and utterly terrifying. If the chips n gravy had not been so cheap and yet filling (with free dollops of batter scratchings on top!), I would never have ventured in there. The fact that my mum worked there for a bit also meant that I got big portions, so it was actually pretty cool. Even though that did mean that the eyebrow lady would speak to me when I went in there and ask me *how I was getting on at school* etc. While I tried not look anywhere near the top of her face. Boy did she wear a lot of make-up for a chip shop lady... But she was definitely definitely of the no brow is a good brow school of thought. Think Elizabeth Taylor in a greasy white overall. Lovely woman though etc.

Anyway, not entirely convinced by The New Statesmen's oracular fashion provenance - I had to do a quick lazy G00gle to get some proper fash forward confirmation from these HIGHLY reliable sources:

"Yes, jeans have gone skinny. But for brows, thick is in. Our fashion expert takes this trend for a hair-raising test drive." [from]

While Celeb!Bitchy says that lots of *famous* ladies are diggin the bush baby look. Look here's our lovely Keira Knightley - cor! what a pair she's got, ay!? Not wishing to be 1970s/sexist, but who would have thought you could ever write *cor, she has got a massive pair* bla bla Keira Knightley. And yes, it's a weak, sad, pathetic joke, but it amused me for a tiny tinpot second...

"You may have noticed that bushy eyebrows are fashionable again, and that many celebrities are sporting fuller brows this season... Pencil thin eyebrows like Pamela Anderson are a no-no. It’s not my favorite trend, but big brows can create a dramatically beautiful look." [from]

Besides the pic of our Keira on the Celeb!Bitchy site there are lots of pics of Celebladies like Brooke Shields (yeah, of course). Someone else called Hilary Duff (not that bushy). And someone else called something else etc (mildly normal in general). Which proves ... not a great deal.

The author's eyebrows - a lifestory in 4 (increasingly scary) parts, scattered right --->>>1-4

Yahoo answers are undecided. But these directed ads from the clever Googlebots seem to want to tell me something:
Tired of Thin Eyebrows? We Can Help Restore Your Eyebrows. As Seen on Rachel Ray.
Eyebrows -100% Human Hair Our false eyebrows are so natural. Let us restore your confidence.
Wow! As seen on Rachel Ray!!!... And 1 quick further G00gle (I have to know, right?) it turns out that she's a sort of American Nigella Lawson-on-a-diet chef in a bikini. Sort of thing. I can't be bothered looking any further. It would be wrong. I'm trying to stay on (the) point. She seems to own eyebrows, let's leave it at that.

Let's g0 G00g s0me m0re...

Yes! G0 G00gle Sophie Vlaming if ya don't believe me after that the previous slightly tame huzzahs for the browsome. Ms Vlaming's a *Super*model according to the WorldWideWonder. And she's got *Designed to Survive a Harsh Russian Winter* stamped across her face.

Truly, a pair of furry eyewarmers that Frida Kahlo would be proud of. So that's fashion for the ladies done and dusted. Winter 2008/2009 season. Expect them to be back to skinny as a New York Latte by next spring. But who cares about that. Let's live for the moment.

It's gettin hairy out there and I have to push, I have to struggle etc...

As for tha Gents n brow fashions - well, I'm not really that bothered. Dennis Healey has always been a style icon for me, so why look any further? Unless this is all part of some Global/Geo-Political Ethical Neo-Whatnot Trend that deserves further study and wordage????? Hmmm? Hmmm? Now you're thinkin, aren't you? No? NO? O.

The full Brazillian - must be a bit Chile, no?

So if *No Brows* --->>> to *Big Bushy Brows* - does that mean we could see the allied forces of body hair making a comeback?

Are eyebrows merely the shock troops of the pubic hair revolution?

Is this not just a fashion-temporary throwback to some mid 1980s Madonna/Brooke Shields face ornamentation, but in fact a full-scale folicular war on the wax?

Since the late 70s, body hair has been diminishing and disappearing at a rate matched only by the rabid mechanised deforestation of the Brazilian rainforest.

The Brazilian, hmmm? Are you sensing a link here? The rampant spread of global capitalism & the raging wax of the dilapitating beauticians? Hmmm? Hmmm?

And now - could we see - a COUNTER-REVOLUTION? The return of the natural & hairy body area?

If only because it's cheaper and warmer to grow your own hairy pants and vest.

Could we see the Burt Reynolds style chest hair making a comeback for the metrosexual geezer about town? Or surely, after the triumph of first the bikini wax, and then the Brazilian short/back n crack for the lady privates - or even the full-on Paris Hilton style alopecia of the gonadal zone - could we go back to the look that speaks of 70s porn and the original Lover's Guide - a full-on re-forestisation of the genitalia epidermal regions? Is it possible? Outside of Germany?

Fashions go from one opposite to another - so sleek little spectacles have suddenly reverted to Christopher Biggins style bigguns suddenly (if only amongst the arty hoi polloi as yet - but no doubt Deirdree Barlow will be a style icon once again in the very near future - you read it here first/second/eventually....). Therefore, reading the fashion tea leaves in my predictive fashion teacup - I hereby predict the return of the natural bushbaby look by 2009. Perhaps.

if you need more eyebrow advice - g0 here:

or else just let em go wild... they'll keep your eyes warm in the winter....

A final thought is this. Jennifer Connelly, pictured over to the left <<<---- Nice brows, n'est pas?


  1. Brook Shields (when she was young) had the best eyebrows

  2. To pull off big brows you basically need to be stunning, like Jennifer Connelly or Brooke Shields. They even look bad on Madonna in her hairy years, like two caterpillars

  3. If I had a daughter, one of the few pieces of advice I would try and restrain myself to is

    Never pluck your eyebrows - that fashion only ever lasts about five minutes ounce every ten years and you can't count on them growing back.

    A little shaping fine, but not actual heavy-duty plucking.

    Luckily I came to my own senses and managed to ignore my peers just in time & still possess reasonable brows.

  4. Alas they don't seem to be doing a lot for my 'economic gloom' though.

  5. Not a fan of the bushy brow. I'm reminded of my mom's barely kept look and I am reminded that I want none of that look. If the first thing I see is heavy eye brows in a picture, they've focused on the wrong thing. Mag and tv commercials don't get my business if I'm looking at deadly black brows instead of the car or body wash.