Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Why Gordon Brown needs to copy George Costanza or else it's all over.

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
[George Constanza in Seinfeld, The Opposite, 5/19/94]

Gordon Brown, with so much hair and promise, yesteryear ->>>

The labour government at the moment are like some Billy-No-Mates school kid giving up all his sweets to the school bullies in the hope that it’ll make him more popular.

*Here, guys, have an extra £60 a week off your tax. I'm your mate now, aren't I?*

Well no, little Gordy, you're not.

Sure, the bullies'll take the sweets on offer, but they still aren’t gonna start liking you.

Take the sweets, take the money and slap you up round the back of the head. Then come back tomorrow complaining and asking for more. That’s what happens with bullies, if I remember rightly. Act weak, give them stuff; they take advantage.

What an idiot! You get a bit older and it’s the same with girls.

What do you do when you’re 18, spotty, insecure, unpopular with the young ladies, so nervous you want to piss yourself, but desperate to score yourself some tongue-on-tongue action in a nightclub. It's what you have to do. It's a ritual event in the life of British man. You're 18; it's what you have to do.

Go up to some random female and ask her if you can buy her a drink. What is she gonna say?

"Yeah, you can buy me a drink. And me mates. We’re all on vodka cocktails. Great. Ta, very much."

So you buy the drinks. Spend all your money. Smile. Fidget nervously, try n think of something cool to say. Pass over the drinks. Smile again. Are about to ask her her name, when she gives you a quick thanks and pisses off.

O, Gordon the teenager! How fickle people are!!! Have you only just realised? You can’t buy them with sweets, drinks and mortgage stamp thingy. Balls! Just look at cool Tony, over in the corner surrounded by adoring people. People that hate him but just can't keep away. Women, Gordy, women. They love a bastard. Even Stalin got the chicks, dude.

O, Gordy, how did it all go so terribly, terribly, horribly wrong? Hmmm? Hmmm? You're like Captain Bligh as played by Charles Laughton in *Mutiny On The Bounty*. And what happened there, huh? Huh? Hmmm?

Come on, Gordy. You know you're in the *Last Chance Saloon* Step into my office, let me tell you a few things. I’ve got an idea. And it’s a good one. Quick – or I’ll sell it to slimey Nick Clegg the egg faced Liberal.

Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
( He goes over to the woman )
[Seinfeld, The Opposite, 5/19/94]

That. That is the theory - right there, Gordy. You hear me? Ayt?

Get up tomorrow and announce that you're gonna do the opposite of everything you've done for the past year. It really is your last chance, baby...



  • Wanting everyone to like you - becomes -> Not Giving A Shit What People Think
  • Tax cuts -> Put taxes up: for the *super* rich, for the Energy companies
  • Stop smiling like a badly designed ventriliquist's dummy -> Frown. Look hard. Take lessons from the Mitchell Brothers on Eastenders - look hard. Shave your head. Tell dozy Dave Cameron to bring it on...
  • Troops in Iraq -> Troops OUT
  • Credit Crunch -> Crunch Credit... Ok, that makes no sense - but don't worry. Just say it. See what happens. "We are going to crunch credit..." Politicians say stuff. Just frown. Growl. Everyone will be too scared to question you with your new frown and shaven head.
  • Housing Market Collapsing -> Build new houses. Never mind if *Buy To Let* has gone wrong -> invest in council houses and keep the builders working. Land and property is cheaper - take advantage - buy/build houses for poor people. BINGO!!!
  • Costly National I.D. Card Scheme -> Scrap it. Shit idea. The Tories won't pay for it anyway. Why waste money now *investigating* the idea. Hackers are always one step ahead.
Think back to when you first came in: scrapped *Super Casinos*; were shit at presentation; gave a shit about people who were getting flooded. People liked that. You seemed *ordinary*. A bit rubbish, a bit Scottish, a bit gruff, a bit grumpy old Maths teacher - but that's fine.

Who are you gonna trust to look after your children and make sure they work well - grumpy, traditional, stern maths teacher in badly fitting suit (Gordy Brown), or *cool* *Humanities* teacher, David - call me, Dave - Cameron. With his smile, his quiff, his modern music tastes and the vague sense that there's something NOT QUITE RIGHT about him.

Listen Gordy, it's a long shot, but just say. Look, everyone, I fucked up. I tried to be everyone's mate, it didn't work. I'm waiting for the following lines in your conference speech, as you stand there in your scruffy t-shirt and kilt, rubbing your stubby fingers over your shaven head, having another gulp of whiskey to give you the strength to cope with all those idiots out there:

"It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!"

It has to be worth a try, right?

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