Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Why I hereby vow never to wear the colour white ever again. Why New Kids On The Block, just *why*? Why? Why?

Listen, the next time I will be wearing white is when I am attending a Hindu funeral. That's it, I've had it with white. It just doesn't wash with me any more. And it's only partially due to the following:

"10.30am This Morning New Kids on the Block chat about their reunion and perform their new single. Clutterbusters helps a woman who has not unpacked two years after moving to her new home. Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield present. Including at 11.15 News, Regional News and Weather (888)"

Part of it is due to the fact that I use *Eco Friendly* washing balls. They're great. Pay £30 and never have to buy washing powder (or liquid!) ever ever again! Huzzah! Except for the fact that I've ended up throwing out virtually all of my white clothing - which amounted to quite a few t-shirts, some shirts and absolutely no undercrackers. No, sir. No, Longsight market knock-off *Calvin Klean* knickergrundies in my drawer. I'm strictly a sensible black pant wearer. But let's not - in the modern parlance - *go there*. No one needs or wants to know. Quite frankly. Yes, step back and step away from the baggy black pantaloons.

Eco Balls.
"Environmentally friendly Ecoballs® are a scientific breakthrough in cleaning technology. Just place the three Ecoballs® in your washing machine instead of detergent. They are reuseable for up to 1000 washes and costs on average 3p per wash. There are no harsh chemicals so less pollution." Which is nice. Except I'm buggered if I can get my whites clean. Hmmm. It's either the world's entire ecosystem or me wearing slightly darker clothes (coloured using beetroot or ketchup or some other nice friendly dye, I would hope). So white has to go. And it's not a great loss. I've obviously never owned a pair of white trousers. Ridiculous! O, hang on, I did buy a pair when I was about 18, but I don't think I ever wore em. I mean - what kind of life do you have where you can wear white jeans? You can't sit on the grass, you can't play football, you can't eat a big burger covered in splodgy red sauce or mustard. You can't wipe your hands on your thighs after you've been eating a toffee apple. Frankly life wouldn't be worth living if you had to wear white trousers every day. Unless you were an angel living on a cloud, eating meringues and rice pudding all day. And even then.

So Ecoballs® are quite good really, whites apart. Which now that I've had my NKOTB sponsored-epiphany means I don't have a problem any more.

See, NKOTB are having a comeback. They were famous in the late 80s, early 90s. In America. And now they're back!!! O, dear. Even knowing this seems shameful. Knowing that they existed and still do exist.

Lost for words does not really cover it. Take That can come back, I have no problem with that. Good songs [some] and they wear woolly jumpers now. Keep their shirts on generally. That's fine. Westlife & Boyzone are and always have been an abomination. Proof that pure evil exists; but, y'know, some people with brains filled full of pig fat like them, so, fair enough. I can live with turning off the tv/radio whenever they appear. They give me something to scream at. And I am not - to be obvious & honest - part of their target market - given that I am not a certifiable imbecile. Fine. Move on.

But surely, there are some things that the older gent just shouldn't do. And NKOTB do most of em on this new video. Co-ordinated white vests, trousers & dance steps. Hanging out with adoring teenage ladies. O dear. They look like they're the finance team at an insurance company gone off on a jolly. An amazing stag do for Donnie's 2nd wedding in Paraguay. Really, these lovely young ladies don't love you, chaps. They really don't. O please. What happens on tour should stay on tour, don't invite a camera crew.

Look at this man with a a moustache. O dignity, whither dignity? Jon from Billing getting a lapdance...

Obviously, I say this as someone who was never *into* NKOTB 1st time round. I think I'd fallen out of love with Smash Hits when they came around. Moved on to the NME. But I still watched Top of The Pops. And they weren't actually that popular in Britain were they? Apart from amongst the 11-13 year old girl demographic. Nowadays, after Andi Peters killed TOTP, I have no way of knowing what is in the charts. Andi Peters killed a part of me. He really did. I can never forgive him. The last time I knew what the *number 1* was was when it was that Ummmmmmbrellllllllllllla song. O the death of music. O the death of an important part of British culture. Or else just more old man whinging. *In My Day...* Sigh & thrice sighingtons...

I will leave it to the modern arbiters of taste - the users of YouTube to provide an insightful commentary on the NKOTB comeback. Or else *check out* the video yourself...

jumpingjack7877 (1 hour ago)
their old as dinosaur balls.........sad

willquil1 (10 hours ago)
you buggin son...this and that new single they got is nice yo

battle0001 (1 day ago)
i agree that they are a bit old for this but that's makes them like the cooles adults. they actualy sing songs that kids will like and not that gay ass old music.....and if you like that i'm sorry this is just my oppinion...and about every kid....

limogeas (2 days ago)
lol, i hope i'm kicking it like that when i'm middle aged...

PaintedDeserts (2 days ago) Oh Gosh.. that's just.. I'd have expected far better by now. :: grimaces :: "Hey girl, can I get yo number?" My dad dont speak like that. Donnie looks gooood.

1 comment:

  1. boil wash everything. or use bleach.

    oh, right, I get it now.