Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Why do we even believe in God? Why does He bother even bothering?

It is a little known fact that G-O-D spelled backwards is D-O-G. How about that? Talk about *The Di Vinci Code* for early readers... Makes you think, huh? Jesus, however, spelled backwards is Susej. And that doesn't make any sense. Eve backwards? Hmmm, THE SAME!!! No different *eve*n when facing the other way (towards the Devil!). Mada=Adam. She stays the same, he gets madder... Now we're talking religion. Or else it's a parable for marriage. Hmmmm. All starting to make sense, isn't it? Isn't the Bible great?

No it isn't. It's not interesting. Well, I'm not talking about the Bible here. The Bible is lovely. I keep meaning to read it. If I'm ever in a plane crash and I've got a spare few minutes, I think that'll be a good time to start.

Come on, I'm only joking. Really. I love God. He is great. He looks a bit like Gandalf but friendlier. Definitely a man. Prove me wrong, if ya can.

I only mention it coz I've been doing a lot of killing recently & as a vegetarian it's not easy. Well, I'm not sure that actually matters, the vegetarian part, coz eating the corpses has never been part of the process. Hitler, as everyone knows, was a vegetarian. Though I suspect it was because he had a digestive disorder, rather than coz he was *particularly* squeamish about the *murdering another living creature* angle. But this is my life:

  • I kill.
  • I dispose of the bodies.
  • My conscience burns.
  • The bin man arrives Wednesday to take away the evidence.
  • 8 corpses so far.

How grim is this? I need to shave my head, get a big devil tattoo on my shoulder, and possibly a Grim Reaper branded across my back. I probably should start wearing black. And I definitely need to wear rubber gloves. Yes, it's the God damn mice, Dog dammit.

I was kinda livin with the issue. Well, sorta. I thought there was just one friendly little chap - or possibly two little chaps.

I was hoping they were a gay couple - Tristram & Shaun - slightly liberal in their views, but they definitely didn't want children. They wanted their freedom. They wanted to party. They didn't want to have to stay in at night, y'know, lookin after a bunch of little feeders. Nah. That is not how Tristram wants to live. Shaun is slightly more homely, but Trist just wants to party all night. Whoo hooo. LOL. We've been here before.

Big however: my housemate came into the kitchen the other morning and found a veritable gay disco full of mice running around. It's previously been a bit of a theoretical issue for him as it was only me that had spotted the wee beasties. Now action had to be taken. Alpha Male action. Never mind all my empty words previously. My pointless, harmless traps dotted around the house. Skipped over, laughed at and ignored. Nevermind my endless kvetching & bloggeration. It was time to get medieval on their furry asses.

With flatmate *Fred* involved in the trap purchasing, we suddenly moved into a whole new world of mouse pain. And suddenly we were catching them. Hour by hour, minute by minute. The blighters are throwing themselves into the non-safe traps. Nasty traps that involve me having to put them out of their misery. The Grim Reaper indeed... Eek.

All I want to say is: I tried. I've chased one round my bedroom - and he ran towards my friendly - "Let me catch you then plonk you somewhere else miles away, in a nice field perhaps" trap - and ran away when he saw it was a trap. (He was supposed to rush headlong through the little trap door, walk into the little room and have the door slam shut behind him. Trapped but comfy. Waiting for me to deport him. But it was never gonna happen. There was a Digestive biscuit inside as well. He could have had that. I might have kept him as a pet. It all could have been so much easier.)

So now I am an avenging angel. Man cannot live with mouse unless there is a cage or a Pet Shop Boy involved in the equation. I cannot sit down and break bread with the rodents. I am a Man not a Mouse. I have had to choose sides.

But God. How is there a human God, but no mouse God? Perhaps there is a mouse God as well? And a giraffe God. But if there is only one God, who looks like us (only more bearded), why did He bother creating all the little animals? Was that just practice, like someone learning to draw? Coz He was pretty inept when He was making the amoeba, I mean, what kinda shape is that for an animal - a 3 year old could do better. Was God 3 years old when He started making the universe? He must be really old now. Is that why He is so grumpy? Do His knees ache? Are floods God emptying out his bath water?

I have nothing to add to the centuries old debate. I have trouble believing what anyone says to me at the best of times; people in big funny hats n robes make me even more suspicious. But who creates our conscience? Where do our morals come from? Is it just from watching vandals destroying the Blue Peter garden and feeling Percy Thrower's pain?

So, sorry, if there are any mice reading, sorry. I know not what I do. I hear your pain & know I need to act... Let us never talk of this again.


  1. To answer your questions, on behalf of God:

    How grim is this?

    How is there a human God, but no mouse God?
    Perhaps there is a mouse God as well?
    The 17 mice reading this assure me that they do in fact have a God, He is the only God and He is a mouse. They scoff at our image of our God.

    why did He bother creating all the little animals? Was that just practice, like someone learning to draw?
    It's easier to model little things, you can just twiddle a bit of plasticine between your thumbs. Big things, like people and elephants, take more time, energy and tools. Little animals are, in effect, God's doodles. Insects were when He was REALLY bored and in the mood for being extra twiddly. Snakes and worms were when He was getting a bit bored of it all. And so on.

    Was God 3 years old when He started making the universe?
    Actually, He was 17.

    Is that why He is so grumpy?
    No, He is grumpy because He has been out of Horlicks since 987BC.

    Do His knees ache?
    Only when it rains in Tasmania.

    Are floods God emptying out His bath water?
    No, they are God flushing.

    But who creates our conscience?
    Richard Dawkins.

    Where do our morals come from?
    Dallas (the programme, not the place).

    Is it just from watching vandals destroying the Blue Peter garden and feeling Percy Thrower's pain?
    That wasn't morals, that was when you learned pointlessness.

  2. this is all fascinating information and reminds me to reply to other questions set. i would like to think that there is a mouse God who is wild and out of the control of 'our' God.
    God was asleep when he was creating worms though, i'm sure of that - look:

    that is a worm - not even a good squiggle.
    insects may be the bits that fell off the table when he was doing cutting out. and they just crawled away and lived productive lives.

    it saddens me to think el deus has been out of horlicks since the year dot. doesn't he know that Morrisons do a not too terrible own-brand version. he could perhaps try sachets of ready mixed Ovaltine? Nein danke?

    and i guess i should feeled blessed to have almighty flush pouring down, but it makes me feel a bit queasy.

  3. What time zones are you in and why are you in multiple ones? Are you omnipresent? Are you in fact God and this is market research?

    I feel completely duped.

  4. Shhh, I am in the Pacific. I swapped forward when the clocks went back. It makes me look more up-to-date. At least to my New Zealand audience. And stops anyone from knowing that i might actually be writing this plop at 10pm on a saturday night (or 1am on a tuesday morning) when I should be doing something more worthwhile (dancing/drinking/sleeping).
    Q: what ruins the illusion in the Wizard of Oz?
    A: Dorothy wants to look behind the curtain. 'You're not a wizard after all!' yeah, way to spoil my fun *Dorothy*.

    N.B. We are all God. There is a little bit of God in us all. My bit is in my elbows.

  5. It's a backwards reveal. You are masquerading as a normal bloke, when all along, you're God. I'm not buying the changing the time thing, just admit your omnipresence. Go on.

    And you can't criticise big reveals when you callously pointed out the carefully concealed dog/god thing WITHOUT ANY WARNING.

    Interesting elbow thing, I've never heard it referred to as an elbow before.