Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Why Halloween & Bonfire Night light up my life like an IED.

See I don't get it. We burn & drown witches 364 days a year and then on the 31st of October they get the night off to mess with our minds and influence children in ungodly ways. Why don't we have Serial Killer Night? Or Shoplifter's Weekend? How can we promote this black magic nonsense?

We will all be travelling round on brooms if they had their way - and then what would the oil industry do? Hmmm. And! They'd be curing things with their *spells* - and then what would the pharmacutical industry do? Terrible.

And. Isn't it just hypocrisy for society to say: look, witches, do not fuck with us and throws spells on us all year long. Okay? You sexy ugly goth chicks. Listen, if you ever - I repeat - you - do anything even *vaguely* suspicious we will dip you in the village pond and see if you can swim or not. And if you can swim we will see if you can do 25 metres to the other end of the pond & back. And if you can do that, we will see if you can swim while wearing your pyjamas. And if you manage that, well, next week we'll get you to pick up a rubber brick from the bottom of the pond. After that you can maybe progress to going on to doing your lifesaving badge...

HOWEVER, you evil witch... oh fuck it, it's what? What you say? The 31st of October? Halloween. O shit! Everyone! Gooooo crazeeeeee. Come on everyone, let's dress up like we're going to a Goth Hen Party.

Witches are evil. That is important to remember. And sexy. And naked sometimes via that link.

But. How can that be a good thing? Also, but unrelated:

How many little girls (and in this modern world, boys) have dressed up as a witch on All Hallows Eve and thought:

"When I does grow up I is wanting to be a witchypoo. Coz of the big hat und tha rice crispie warts that are good on your face. I like. More sweets. Give give give or I will smack broom round your head. More sweets. Ride off on broom. Pretty black colour. I am EMo. More sweets. SWEETS!"

Obviously any cute lickle girl thinking like this will inevitably be diagnosed as *mentally troubled* and sent to the nuthouse where she belongs. But y'know. It's a good point well made. What next - pro-Christian festivals? Pro-egg festivals? Pro-spending money/watching tv festivals? Yeh, okay, we has got them too. But also? Bank holidays? Do the banks deserve holidays in this day and *age*? Should the banks not come round our houses with nice biscuits, say how sorry they are & ask if we've got any chores that need doing. Sure, that rickety fence out back could use some work... We owns you you beeeeeeeeeatches. Or words to that effect.

Happily it's not all Satanism and Scary Mary Goths round about this time of year. There's the entirely tv invented *tradition* of *Trick Or Bastard Treat*. Something that I first saw on Charlie Brown back in the days when you counted yourself lucky if you got to *bob for apples* on Halloween night. I mean, in my day, we had to work for our healthy snacks and endure - what I believe is now known as - waterboarding - where basically your hands are held behind your back and your head is forced forward into a large bowl of water and you have to simultaneously breathe and also bite into waxy skinned Granny Smiths (she was a witch, apparently, it's all highly symbolic).

Look Timmy, my little brother, can you see the apples in the pan? If you see the apples it means you're a witch! If you don't see them, err, you're also a witch. Ha! Now shove your head in the pan--->>>

Happily there are other things to look forward to in the coming weeks. There's the Hindu festival of Lights, Diwali on October 28th. Which being a Festival of Lights involves a lot of fireworks. Which ties in nicely with *remember, remember the 5th of November* where we get to celebrate the burning of Catholics. How popular is Bonfire Night in Northern Ireland these days? Is it impolite to ask? Obviously the autumn explosions season gets off to a bit of bang with Ramadan at the end of September. All the main religions doing their bit for the fireworks industry. Good to see you working together you guys. Hey! You Jews & Buddhists!? Couldn't come up with any firework based celebrations to keep us going through the autumn months? For shame.....

Personally I like a good firework display. So long as they do it for just the one chuffin day only, please? Not from September straight through to MalcomXmas.

Anyway. I am looking forward to Obama Night on November 4th. The United States presidential election of 2008. Of course my hope is that it'll be a celebration rather than a night for cursing and swearing at the tellybox.

Some nice links forthwith:


  1. These are the reasons I never told
    anyone I'm Pagan until recently,
    then I stopped caring.

    This is really funny, though.

  2. Be more evil, it might make more sense:


    Note: evilness eats away at all willpower.

  3. Drunk pumpkins have made my year. I am going to attempt one! Woo!

    Its all about promoting witch craft on the 31st! also, the celebrating the dead, but I for one, am at my most powerful on halloween... why not use that to my advantage? exactly!

    Loving the serial killer thing... just don't carry a REAL axe... please?! :)

    Ps. BONFIRE NIGHT! woo! lets burn Guy Rit... I mean Guy Faulks! yeay!