Monday, October 20, 2008

Why I'm in a quandary.

See, I'm a nice person. Or I want to be, despite any desires I may have to occasionally murder & maim, it rarely comes to anything. Rarely. Nothing I want to admit to here. No bodies buried in my cellar. There is no cellar, it's all concrete.

Open the cellar door, just concrete, nothing to see there, move along. Seriously, there is nothing suspicious about a cellar completely full of concrete. We used to have this student lived here, artist she was, don't know if she came to anything. Her name was Racheal. Whiteread, I think. She basically liked filling things with concrete, seemed like a daft idea to me. I'm sure she'll never get anywhere with that concept....

Ahh well, any joke that requires the reader to g00gle to get it - is probably a bit rubbish...

She did send us a postcard, did Rach. Apparently she's doing quite well for herself, well, well enough to be able to afford herself a nice holiday in Tameside, any road...

Any road, point is: what is a man to do? About one of the most important issues of the day - one of the issues that brings together everything liberal and right with everything pointless, wasteful and mean? I'm lost in a world of contradictions, I just want to sit in my kitchen making a series of paper planes. What else can I do?

Dear Mariella, I have a problem... it's not sexual, don't worry. Well... if you've got time later there is something you might be able to help me with, but that's not the thing right now. I've got a problem and it's this: junk advertising. I'm not talking about junk mail here; I'm not talking about highly annoying internetty ads that appear over the bit you're reading & sometimes follow you down the page - and probably follow you home and eat your biscuits - but that's fine - cos thats how the internets are free. All hail capitalism!!!

I have issues with leaflets/flyers/printed up ads that get shoved through the letterbox. And of course we can all go a bit Daily Mail about that. I want to get postcards from the Tameside Canal Festival & what do I get? Hmmm? Hmm?

  • Taxi numbers printing on cards [no thems is quite useful].
  • Leaflets detailing all the offers on at Pongsight Lidl this week [again, informative, thanks].
  • And and - loads of other stuff!!!!
  • Leaflety rubbish!!! What a joke it is! Who reads it!
  • Who wants to know about a Nigerian man that can tell me my future. No, really, can he? Do you think? Does he have friends in the Dead World?
  • And how about this firm offering to clear the garden & decorate & move unwanted waste materials & build an extension & do a nice cheap driveway for us - well they're a talented bunch, how could I not be impressed by them?
  • Or this lot: offering me cheap price Coke & kebabs ----->>>>> which obviously isn't a terrible idea. Although I don't really go in for cola & meat based snacks; but I can see the appeal. Particularly if they are promising to deliver within a 4.5 mile radius of the shop. Which it seems they are. I could always get a falafel & a mango lassi....

Okay. This is going nowhere. This sounds like I'm in favour of all this leafletting. And I MOST ASSUREDLY AM NOT. etc.

I could go down the road of bringing up all those scammy scamps that give me leaflets asking me for my old underwear & any single shoes I have hanging round the house that they might want to give to sad sounding people in foreign climes that are suffering from all sorts of tribations including earthquake, unfashionability and death-based issues of the like. But no. Too easy. Too obvious. Much has been written of that already. I don't like that kinda whinin.

But all the same - I agree with it. I don't want any more leaflets from them chaps. list all the bad ones, but they're all bad ones aren't they? Mebbe. Although I saw a documentary about how people in (a country in) Africa liked to buy their second hand clothes from the market rather than being given Man Utd tops and forced to wear them. They wanted Aston Villa tops & leggings instead. So I can relate to that. I'd rather freeze to death as well. Fair enough.

Now where was that point, it was around here somewhere. Give me a minute, I'll have a look...


... O. Ummm. No, that's not it... Hang on...


Yeah, there it is. Gotcha. Okaydoke. It's this: I don't want these leaflets. Not really. If possible. I just sweep em up n shove em in the recycling bag. And they get squished up by a recycling machine to be made into slightly lower quality leaflets to come back through my letterbox a year later whereby I, slightly older and grumpier, lean down to pick up the leaflets and shove them into my recycling bag.

Ahhh, the circle of life!!! [Cue stirring Elton John song & thoughts of vibrant young lions prancing.]

But a friend's mother has a solution, y'see & I'd like to try it. Mrs Friendsmum, she put a little note on her front door:


Of course she didn't write effin or jeffin or the rooder replacement word. Just all the other words. And she says it works. A bit. But I thought: the people that deliver the non-post office junk leafletting round our way - *pound to a penny* they don't speak Ingerlish, do they? I mean, why else would you be doing that God awful street walkin n leaflet posting if you could speak the language. You'd be a - someone - doing something better paid.

So I had a brilliant plan: write up that note - but then feed it into Babelfish & write the translated versions of the words on a sheet of paper, get it laminated & staple it to the front door. As below:

  • 没有该死的传单& 飞行物,请。
  • AUCUN & de FEUILLETS de chier ; INSECTES, SVP.
  • 출혈 전단 & 없음; 플라이어.
  • ΚΑΝΕΝΑ απορροφώντας ΦΥΛΛΑΔΙΟ & κοκκόρων ΙΠΤΑΜΕΝΑ, ΠΑΡΑΚΑΛΩ.

There, I got a bit carried away for a change. A bit like that.

But I was a bit worried. Cos I don't remember telling people to give me insects. That's not really the intention, but it seems to have come out that way in the French translation. When I re-entered the French version back into Babelfish just to see what it said. And who the eff knows what the Chinese translation says? Wait, I'll check:

Should not die circular & The flier, invites

How about the Korean?

Hemorrhage leaflet & Nil; Flyer

I mean, I don't want to annoy people even more. People who are getting paid about £1 a day, who have to live 8 to a room, who have travelled miles and miles to get to Pongsight. I mean, I respect these folks and their dedication. I hope they're happy here. I hope they're not wondering why they bothered. I'm not sure I would have had the gumption to do that big journey. I'd be happy to stay in the wilds of the Canton, or Afghanistan or Stockport. Or wherever. So big respect going out to the leaflet delivering massives. Ayyyyyyyy. I am assuming that these delivery people are doing this job cos they're poor. And that they're poor by dint of their illegality, cos they look far too clean & are too diligent in their work to be poor purely due to their drug habits or cos they got no GCSEs cos they couldn't concentrate in lessons & can't get a job at Maccy Dees as a result.

Anyway... too many reasons. And after all, what Russian person could possibly be annoyed by a nice little note that reads:


Do not post any plops through my letterbox, thanks. Do not kidnap my monkey. Send me postcards from the Tameside Canal Festival. That's what I want really. Nothing else.

BTW - I don't want to annoy any foreign language people via this bloggage either. It's all entirely randomish. Them words.

So. Where does that leave me. In the circle of recycling life. Cos at least when I get the leaflets I do actually glance at them & recycle em. Every other bugger probably plops em in the binhole. I mean, WHAT MORE can I do? Other than buy the stuff they're trying to sell me? How humanitarian can I get?

Hello, yes, I'm phoning up about your offer to come round and tidy up the back garden. Yes, I was very impressed by your leaflet you got some poor innocent to randomly shove through my letterbox. I'd like to buy what you're selling please. Whatever it is...

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