Thursday, October 30, 2008

Why Russell Brand is a lovely big legged genius. Why I don't want to be left out there all on me own.

"Comical little geezer. You'll look funny when you're fifty."

"You're Jack the Lad"

What the world needs now is blog, sweet blog. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

What the world needs now is complainin, sweet complainin,

No, not just about Russell Brand, but about everything....

Ahhh, that feels good. For if complainin be the food of Blog then read on, Macduff. Read on.

"You know I don't think I'm going to let you stay in the film business"

"Things have changed"

But first I would like to make the following statement. And please note, I have a tear in my eye. My left eye. My right eye is a bit dry. I think I might need Optrex, but ignore that for now. Concentrate on the tearful left eye. Very sad. What a picture. If you could see it you would feel my pain. I am feeling a lot of eye pain. I should probably take my contact lenses out.

But here is my statement, I am going to get a spokesperson with a sad & serious voice to read it out for me. Hopefully with a slightly Scottish lilt. My spokesperson may be a little drunk:

"The *blog* known as 'Not a Fad and Not that Kidney' would hereby like to make the following statement. It would like to apologise for the way it has behaved during the current *Russell Brand shagged my granddaughter* fiasco. Both of the blog's readers have not written in to complain about the lack of coverage of this overhyped issue. NAFANTK can assure both of its readers that this failure to write about this sort of VERY IMPORTANT STUFF will probably happen again.

"Should either of the aforementioned blog's readers -  (Hello, you two!!!! Lolz *Big happy waves* ) - feel that they have missed out on some uninformed ranting on the subject of Mr Brand, Mr Ross, Ms Young Lady & her Granddad, NAFANTK will be happy to buy them both a copy of the Daily Mail and post it to them. Once again, no ....... ohh, no, I'm sorry, I'm losing the will to live. I never wanna hear another word on this subject ...... zzzzzzzzz."

"He's an ignorant boy. An out of date boy"

But it is all meat & drink to the complaining blogger. And I feel I've missed out. And it's not fair, is it? I've missed my chance. The window of opportunity to aggressively complain: gone...

"Putting a little stick about. Putting the frighteners on flash little twerps"

But COME ON! I didn't know that that Evil Monster Russell Brand saying nasty naughty things was gonna be this big & important to the world!!!

I didn't know I was supposed to blog about it!!! I didn't get the email! I didn't get the text:

"Hey NAFANTK. We needz u 2 bloGs on Rusel Brnd phne thing. Be angry. Lolz."

I mean can't someone *Twitter* me when a subject comes up that needs my insightful, slightly dull and self-regarding commentary? I mean, it's just not fair.

I wouldn't mind, but I did read about it in the newspaper. I even watched the YouTube footage. 8 minutes of my life I'll never get back. I even went as far as to comment on The Guardian website. And I hate the Comment section of the Guardian. I said it was a bad thing. I thought it was at the time anyway (was that 3 days ago?) .

But now. O well. 

"They're a bunch of liars and wrigglers. Give 'em a bit of stick."

The next day I read Andrew Collins' bloggage. He was angry. But he was at least a day late, but fairy nuff, I thought, have your say. Wade in with your oar then we can all *move on*.

Interest rates. The US election. The war in the Congo. No, I don't know anything about these things either, but I think I probably should...

"United we stand, divided we're lumbered"

And now 27,000 people have screamed at the BBC via its website. Andrew Collins has had 135 vitriolic comments. Ummm.

"Who do you think you are, the Lone Ranger?"

I've really missed my chance haven't I? To be relevant and useful. Adding fresh thought to the mass-debate. I did think that the singing and swearing at an old man's answering machine was a bad thing and not that funny, but ... ummm. It was not worth wasting both of your time writing about it. That is if you could be bothered reading about it, which you probably couldn't, could you? No. So...

But now everyone is so SO SO deliciously angry, I've had to change my mind. I've thought about changing the date on this post and back-dating it to two weeks ago. To try and pretend I was ahead of the game. But that's probably not the right way forward. I believe in truth.

But EVERYONE is FURIOUS. So where does that leave me? As a blogger, I am forced to take a position. It is this, thus:

Jonathan Ross has lovely hair. Russell Brand has a nice beard. I want to give them a lovely big hug. I want to kiss them and, if it were possible, have their children.

There. Flag and knickers nailed to the mast. O, and don't ask me for reasons. No one cares about reasons. Pah. Get away with your *reasons*.

I'm just jealous and guilty really.

"I like a bit of a cavort, I don't send 'em solicitor's letters. I apply a bit of pressure."

See one of the nice things about being a bloggerationer is that at the end of the year I'll be able to sit back with my spokesperson, have a cup of cocoa, and look back on the year 2008 and how it was represented in the NAFANTK blog:

SPOKESPERSON: -Ahhh, so, tell me, Sullivan. Let's start with October, what kind of month was that? What was going on in the world?

SULLIVAN: - It was a bit of a rubbish month really. A bit cold sometimes. There were a lot of days. 31 I think. I wrote some stuff about dead film stars from the 1930s.

SPOKESPERSON: - There was quite a lot going on in the world though, wasn't there. American election, the Russell Brand/*S@tanic Sl#t* fandango? What did NAFANTK have to say on those issues?

SULLYMAN: - Errr, ummm. Well, the blog was mainly all about mice, gas meters and singing and dancing films from the 1930s. Errr ummm. I did a quiz. Is that.... no...

SPOKESPERSON: - No, but seriously. It wasn't, was it? ... O. You're nodding....How about September? The big Credit Crunch hoo-ha. That was the big story wasn't it. Anything in the blog about what was going on in the world?

SULLYMAN: - No. Mainly just stuff about Madonna's eyebrows. Her eyebrows in 1986. O, hang on, there was some contemporary stuff. Big ear holes, they're modern, aren't they? Gordon Brown quoting Seinfeld, is that... ? No? How about The X Factor and being addicted to the tellybox? That is very modern. Not very original or ...

No. It's no good. I've failed in my mission. I'm not contemporary. 10,000 other more up-to-date bloggerers are laughing at me.

"Why don't you play us a tune, pal?"

I just think DJs should play more music and generally shut up more. Am I wrong? Am I controversial? No. No. O well. I tried.

I should probably just go back to reviewing films. Something modern. Like from the 1960s mebbe. That's up to date enough isn't it? Performance. Directed by Nicholas Roeg. How brilliant is that film? And it has contemporary relevance.

Well, it did in 1986 when Big Audio Dynamite were quoting it. And I've been quoting it in this blog: so how contemporary is NAFANTK now? We is modern, mate, modern, never mind your *Killers* and whether they are or are not *dancer*. I'll give you '80s music, matey boy/girl..................................................

"The man's dead, and who's left holding the sodding baby?"


  1. Ouch. That one hurt.

  2. hurt? the killers hurt?

  3. Listening to the Marc Riley show on BBC 6music. Mr Riley, of this parish, opened the show with the words, "I'd like to dedicate this to Lesley Douglas, without whom this show would never have happened."
    (She's just resigned, I think)
    And then he played - for her - his first tune - BIG AUDIO DYNAMITE's E=MC2.....

    I feel vindicated and not so insane. There is a link between the song in my head and the situation ongoing.

    Mr Riley has either been reading my blog (and he's not one of the 2 imaginary readers, so that's unlikely) or else great minds think alike (fools never differ). I'm happy. Yay.

  4. Unfortunately 25 of your imaginary readers have lost the ability to read and understand, 764 of them don't speak a word of English, they just like the pictures, and the remaining 45 are scared into silence by madwomen hanging around. Marc Riley said to say thanks for reminding him of BAD and Russell Brand says thanks generally, can he have a job?

    And yes, the Killers were hurt, but realised they were being daft.