Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why you are an addict & it's time you just admitted it, mate.

Look, we're all suffering. We are all guilty. We're in a bad situation even if we don't realise it. I'm just here to add a little so called *gosh darn* common sense thinkin to the issue. Throw some ideas up into the air and see if they fly. Like tiny baby birds falling out of a tree and hoping for the best.

Except, in that situation? Make sure the birds have got out of their eggs first. Eggs can't fly.

Come on. You know you want to. Come with me on this journey. We all just have to come out and say it out loud.

Hi, I'm (insert name) & I am addicted to the internets. I try to stay away but but ... I can't. Even when she treats me bad & makes me feel like a useless pathetic dumb-brain with a headache I just... Y'know, she wastes my time and times me out and feeds me horrible repetitive spam every day. Every blinkin day. Tellin me my winky isn't right. Needs tablets to make it work right. How do you think that makes me feel, ego-wise? Huh? About 3 inches tall, I tell you. A couple of times she's even given me I.T.D.s (internets transmitted diseases). And, who knows where she's been? Where she goes to when I'm not there to keep an eye on her. And yet... And yet. I keep coming back for more. It's like love. Bad love. One way love. Coz she feels NOTHING for me. If I never went back, she'd never notice. She has so many people that she can *connect* with. I don't know why I bother...

Meet me:

Hi! Lol. *grins* :-)

Me today in the *Real World* I had some *real* work to do. Writing some thingymojig/boring nonsense. So I decided to use these things called *a paper & pen*. Pretty hilarious items they are too. But y'know, I figured em out. How are you supposed to hold a *pen* though? It's sort of weird. What are all your other fingers meant to do while your thumb and other finger are doing all the work - just like lie there and watch? O sigh. My spare right-hand fingers did twitch a bit. Like a spare part. Like they wanted to start doing that regular dance they do: over the JKL; keys.

Yeh, and this paper stuff? Where's the delete key? For eff's sakes, man. The stone & paper age. But the *good* thing is: when I get bored with this paper/pen/scrawly ink blobs thing - when I turn over the page looking for idle distraction - there's just another blank empty page looking hungrily at me, wanting to be fed more ink. All I can do is doodle. That's the very definition of idle fun in the pen n paper world. All you can do is draw.

In a computery situation there are always other words already there for you. Waiting for you round every corner. On every page you pick. And I need to read everything. I read ingredient lists. I read terms & conditions notices. I want to own every word and picture in the world inside my mind. My favourite book is the one I've not read yet. Or I hope it is. It better had be or I'll be disappointed.

I want to try everything regardless. Food. If you lay out a 1000 different types of food on a table: I will want to try them all. My favourite foods are: tapas, buffet, what-someone-else-is-having. I really do *want that*. I want what I don't have.

I am like a Buddhist in a pizza parlour.

I am the last person who should be allowed to run about on the internet. I'm like a dog without a lead. I'll end up getting into mischief. I'll end up lost and wondering where I am. How did I get here? How do I get back? Where are my friends? Where did the time go? Why am I so hungry?

So I do a bit more dull writering on this papery substance. Wondering how I save it. If I leave it here on the desk - it won't crash will it? Okay, I believe you.

But I get bored and distracted. And I flick on the tellybox for a lickle tiny moment just to see how Bargain Hunt is getting on. See if the team in blue sweatshirts are making back their money on novelty/antique lavatory brushes. End up watching Kidney Swap live or some such imaginary programme.

Then do a little bit more. Make more tea. Stare out of the window at ... nothing. Why is the view from other peoples' windows always more interesting than the view from mine... bah, that's easily explained.

But when it comes to I.A., it's the email that does it. That always gets you. It's the addiction it is okay to admit. It's the *legitimate* end of the addict's universe. It's like you're on a Mediterranean holiday and your friend/partner says, so what are you gonna do this afternoon then, boyo?

"Mmm, well after lookin at all that fascinatin culture stuff. Them churches n ruins that you dragged me round - I mean, that I enjoyed taking photos of this morning. I thought I'd take it easy this avvie. Just relax. I might quickly pop into that cafe down the road and check if any new pictures of pictures of frightened dogs have been posted on 4chan. Then I'll probably surf for conspiracy theories about how lizards are taking over the world, do a random G00gle search for *pictures of insects fighting scorpions*. And probably join you down on the beach at around 4. Do you want me to bring you anything? Are you taking the sun cream?"

No. No. Not likely. You would not say that.

But this is fine. This is an accepted bit of conversation/normal behaviour: "I've really just gotta check my emails cos I'm wondering about (insert something appropriate and self-aggrandising/self-obsessive). It's a pain in the neck really, but y'know. I have to find out if they've sent that (bla bla excuse)." Then you can check your spam-filled email box & spend the next 59 minutes of your Internet cafe hour wandering around like Babe: Pig In The City. Not a clue where you're going. Not sure why you're going in the first place. Thinking but not thinking at all.

Incidentally, I have just purposefully G00gled *pictures of insects fighting scorpions* - a phrase I just came up with for no real reason/because it sounded stupid. And the results are a bit grim. Televised bouts on Japanese tv. And I don't know if it's just me: but the millipede looked scared. It's too cruel for my tastes. So no link. DO NOT LIKE..... So, yeh. That's a good thing in a way. Coz that's the sorta thing that's gonna put me off lookin at this thing ever ever again/for a few hours at the most.

Back to the pen n paper I think, I've got some squiggles that need colouring in ...


  1. 1) valid alternatives should be offered to spending time on the internet if the suggestion of not being addicted is mooted.
    2) it's been admitted. long since.

  2. that's entirely true. and that is why I say doodling is the future. hangman & tic-tac-toe need two people. but doodling is - and you are admitting YOUR GUILT for commenting so quick. Damn you. You are damned.

    And maybe - I am passively asking for help. That's what addicts do.


  4. Ah. You think you act out of free will, when in fact you post blogs when I need a blog to read.

    Can you damn the damned?

    I just watched an online clock for an entire minute, thanks for that. I feel compelled to go back as well. There really is no hope.