Sunday, November 02, 2008

Why is that man hiding behind the sofa, mummy?

As part of her campaign to save me from mice, thieves and dying of local-friendlessness-related boredom, a friend has been trying to work out a way for me to afford to live somewhere else. Somewhere cheap but not completely terrible.

It's a good plan and I heartily applaud the effort involved on her side. It is a plan of some skill and deep thinking. It may involve buying the cheapest property in the world. Or in Manchester at any rate. There may be somewhere very cheap in Kinshalla or Mogadishu, but it'd cost too much to commute.

This led us to a busy afternoon looking at some of the 'hard to shift' properties available in Old Trafford. That's Old Trafford, as in, home of a soccerball club that shall remain nameless.

So we looked at a few places. And the cheapest place? Aside from looking like it had previously inhabited by a chain smoking psychopath who owned an incontinent rottweiller - it wasn't too bad. It had walls & a roof. Probably rodents, but hey, I'm friends with the furry creatures. I mean, obviously, everything would have to be changed and cleaned. Ripped out and burnt. Like everything. Every single thing. But it did have a little garden. And yes, someone had recently set fire to some suitcases and a child's bike back there. But it had potential.

Come on, Marko, look on the optimistic side for a change... Sigh.

But the real reason that it was so cheap, well, it was so close to the Old Trafford football ground that the walls shake every time there's a game on. 70,000 people walk past your door. As a City fan, I had to say no. But it sent me off looking at other houses for sale & rent. There's some truly lovely ones here:

Like this beauty. It's for rent on this site. It's in lovely New Zealand, land of elves and waterfalls and sheep & somewhere where they're not that bothered if someone hides in their house.

-So it's available to rent? No one lives here?

-No, no, you can move in right away.

-How about the bloke hiding under the bed? Is he just part of the 'fixtures & fittings'?

-Yes, he does come with the house. Not a problem is it? You get used to him, believe me. He's ever so quiet. He only comes out at night...

Whereas these lot, are staying. Don't worry, you'll find another chair somewhere. Come on in, sit down. Hurry now, someone will move in soon then there'll be no more room on the sofa. Maybe you can lie underneath it...

So maybe living right next to that big nasty football ground isn't so bad after all...

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