Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Why does everyone want to talk about the *truth* these days?

This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours.

I have a problem with the idea of truths. I like other peoples' truths - see here & here - and I'm impressed. But I own no universal truths of my own. All the truths I see are mundane and grumpy. But I have to stick with what I know. It's December, it's time for some truths about this year. Leaving out virtually everything of importance that has happened...

2008: The Truth

Entertainment & Sport
  1. In 2008 video games - do we still call them *video games* or is there a new whizzy name for them - given that we don't actually use oldy worldy videos any more? - video games are the saviours of nation's high street shops. Everyone likes them now, not just nerdy young boys! Girls do the dancing thing, grown-ups have grown up with them. If it wasn't for video games and DVD box sets there'd be no reason for HMV & the rest of those sort of *record* shops to bother existing. Woolworths is just the Northern Rock of that particular market. Downloading will kill them all within the next 2 years. Btw - is Virgin called Zavvi now? And possibly has been for 9 months? I really should start paying attention.
  2. In 2028 video games will be seen as the reason why Britain is no longer the centre of musical innovation it once was. In 2008 video games like *I'm a Rock Star Guitar Player!* & *Sing!Star!* became enormously popular, so diverting the energies of young creative musical talents into a virtual world of virtual gigs & virtual talent contests. Which they can all win in their separate virtual worlds. In 2028 British bands will be Top of The Virtual Pops in that 2nd Life thingy, but in the real world - there will be no more new music. Humans making music will seem like a stupid, pointless & old fashionedy sort of idea. Like knitting a jumper. A historic thing that your gran might do (or someone trying to be contrarian & trendy). A flick of a switch and the new music machine called *Wii Dancer* will design music to fit your mood. "Who wrote this song?" we'll ask. "Was it a human or Wii Dancer?"
  3. In 2014 the failure of all British football teams at the World Cup will be blamed on the fact that ... yeh, you guessed it... But really, why go out in the mud when you can be at home practising your free-kicks on Nintendo Fifa Pro bla de bla de I don't know.... Move on.
Fashion ! Trends !
  1. In 2008 women need only own 2 items of foot furniture: flip-flops in the summer, Ugg(ly) boots in the winter. The truth, of course, is that this statement is complete nonsense. They will likely own 14 pairs of flip-flops, 3 pairs of UGG boots, 2 pairs of other boots and frankly I'd be falling asleep by the time we got on to the shoes.
  2. Men need shoes so that they look smart in the office, in court, or at some wedding they've been dragged to. Personally I own about 8 pairs of *functional* trainers for various sports. Most of these trainers are never used, admittedly, but one day I'll need my medium length stud astroturf rugby league trainers.
  3. Big glasses/moustaches coming back. I blame the contrarians. They're always playing the, "Let's just do the opposite game. No one likes moustaches, so let's all grow moustaches. No one likes big Su Pollard glasses, so let's start wearing em. Or else we'll wear brightly coloured RayBans for a laugh." It's all *ironic*. But it doesn't really matter anyway. In 2028, Wii Fa$hion will decide what we wear every morning depending on our mood and the current level of global warming we are experiencing.
  4. Check shirts. That's enough now really, thanks. You've made your points, and yeh, we were all fed up with stripes and spots, but the lumberjack revival has got to stop at some point. Thanks. Luminous yellow fingerless gloves with a vest and braces, now that's a look that has to come back soon...
  5. Pushbikes! One gear only. Now when I were a lad, the thing to do was to have as many gears as you could possibly fit onto your back wheel. These days all the cool kids have *Fixies*. I would like to state now, for the record, that 2009 will be the year that unicyles make a comeback.
  6. Boys. Listen, and I know I'm showing my age here, but look, the skinny jeans thing: fine. The baggy jeans thing with your undies showing: y'know, fair enough, if you must. But the tight jeans that are miraculously loose and falling off at the top - how are they even engineered? How can they be tight, but not fit around the groinal zone? If your jeans look like they've been sprayed on, why is it possible that I can still see your pants? They're not even nice pants. They're retro 1970s patterned y-fronts. So come on, stop it.... The women seemed to get over the whole *whale-tail* thong thing about 2 years ago. None of my bloomin business anyway this fashion thing. I give up.
Art ^ Culture
  1. In 2008 people lots of people go to poetry readings. They really do. In general, 'open-mic' poetry/story telling & singer-songwriter evenings are alarmingly popular. Albeit that the entire room will be full of people who want to perform. The Anyone-Can-Do-It spirit of Punk has transmogrified into the Anyone-Can-Do-It spirit of The X Factor. We all want to be the centre of attention. Everyone wants to perform or communicate. Nobody really wants to listen though. While someone else is singing or reading out, everyone else is thinking about when it will be their turn.
  2. In 2016: the invention of the Wii Poetry Writer. Etc. Fill in the details for yourself or don't.
  3. 2008 is to books, what 1998 was to music CDs. Enjoy em while they last.
  4. If Twitter is the future & everyone wants everything to be 160 characters or less, how come you can now get the Internet & emails on your phone?
Politics £ Economics
  1. It's actually quite nice to have a bit of a meltdown in the economy; takes away a bit of the pressure to be a success. Gives you a fall back position when you meet an old school friend. An excuse for why you're working part-time in a garage and living in your sister's shed. "Ahh, well with this credit crunchy thing, it's not easy for anyone, is it?"
  2. Were there a lot of houses built around the end of June, beginning of July? Alright, here's what I don't get: there was a housing shortage in the first part of the year & now there's too many houses in the second half. Local councils should buy them & rent them back to people who can't afford em.
  3. David Cameron is just a posh Tory after all. A posh Tory with a good CD collection & a few good jokes - but have you seen the shadow cabinet? When they were at Eton & Harrow I bet they all got bullied. I've never seen such a bunch of jessies. The Shadow Home Secretary, Dominic Grieve, as an example. He would make a good officer in the First World War. If they were ever going to shoot another episode of Black Adder.
  4. In the 2009 General Election the Tories will win in Ingerland, the Scots Nats in Scotland, the Welsh Nats in Wales & the usual stuff'll happen in Northern Ireland. But then what happens? Will we go to war? Or just have a big Wii Tennis tournament round at Dave Cameron's house. Cos I'm not sure how it's gonna work out otherwise. There's gonna be a few disagreements.
  5. Obama, Obama, Obama. 2009. Optimism. Even after he does a few things wrong. More optimism.

5 comments:

  1. Grumpy old man.

    FYI, games consoles are not 2008, I personally have been wasting most of my time on them since 1994. Singstar and the likes are sooooo last year as well.

    The biggest thing to happen to the whole games world this year was that Mariokart Wii came out and You Don't Mention That. Or Wii Fit. The thing that 99% of households now own just because it was out of stock for so long they had to see what the fuss was about, then went "oh these game things are quite fun, I can drive round in circles and pretend I'm a rally driver".

    Simple rule, Mr Curmudgeon: don't diss the Nintendo

    Second Life. That's what's freaky.

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  2. M'dear. I can only go on the knowledge I glean from the adverts. Which is where i get all my knowledge of modern society. The Rednapp family playing happy computer games & many adverts for 'pretend you're in a band' games. You are ahead of the curve and the rest of the world is catching up.

    I admit, I gave up computer games after I got beaten up in Streetfighter 3. It was traumatic. I don't like losing, especially as I was a big fat Sumo and I was fighting a 12 year old girl.

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  3. alas, you may be grumpy to a certain extent, however, I found some of your truths very.. well.. true. what IS with the lumberjack shirts, and the boys with skinny jeans that arent skinny at the top and second life? and don't get me started on twitter!

    still, don't knock the 'pretend I'm in a band' games unless you have tried them. They really are hilariously fun.

    Adverts can only teach us so much about life. Apparently its a crime to eat all the eggs in a pack of Haribo... eek!

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  4. Dear Young Lady, (if I am to be hung for a sheepish old grump, so be it)

    I have nothing against the *WooHoo! I'm a Rocknrolla* games. It's more that I think they're too much fun. But hopefully they are fun for people who wouldn't normally be bothered to actually learn to play a flute, a lute or Roland 808 synthesiser.

    And if adverts don't tell the truth... sorry, I don't quite get that. Next you'll be suggesting that Ronseal *doesn't* do exactly what it says on the tin. You'll be saying that the DFS special sale might be ending Friday, but they've got another one starting Saturday. I don't like that kind of talk. Hush now. Eat your Haribo eggs before we find out they've been manufactured in Ireland from bad things.

    And from henceforward until the year of Our Lord 2009 I hereby make the announcement that I will only ever be positive. Even if it means that I never actually blog again this year. Just good things, that's all. Nothing but the good. So says I.

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  5. thats dangerous talk! only positive blogs? I fear for your sanity!

    :O

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