Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Why I love Opera

O, I am sad and boring. This is my saddest and most boring post of all time. Geeky. Opera. I love Opera. I really do. And it's wrong. It's like a love that dare not speak its name.

A man and an tiny underused web browser - how can they experience love? But Opera loves me back, I know she does. We have a *relationship*.

What? You thought I meant, the fat lady singing in Italian thingy? Well, that's nice too. Laaaaa la laaaa laaaaaaaaaaaa. What I know of it, is nice, if occasionally a bit confusing. But I mainly know it through adverts, Nessun dorma and Malcolm McLaren's Fans album. That Madame Butterfly, that's great that is.

But little Opera. How many times must I say how great it is. Small, resilient, multi-functional, stripped-down, unfussy; takes up hardly any room. Ideal for someone with a PC as old and rubbish & small brained as mine is.

But why should you care - you Internet *Explorer* users. Why? Because you're in big big doo-doo, baby. Listen to the wise words of the bbc techy site people:

"There is a real danger that Internet Explorer 7 users could be opening the door to cyber criminals to allow them to ransack the contents of your hard drive. In other words, it is a pretty serious situation." [bbc techy blog]

This is like one of those situations where there's flooding in the South West of England and you sort of feel sorry for them, but it's sort of a bit... *funny*. Like - why did you by a house next to a river that floods every year - and then you start complaining? Buy a houseboat.

Or in this case: Use Opera...

"Because IE is used by seven out of every ten computers in the world, the flaw is potentially very serious. Microsoft is trying to put together a patch, but in the meantime computer users have been advised to update their security settings or switch to unaffected browsers such as F***fox or Opera." [the guardian tech blog]

And it will happen again, cos Microsoft is like a red rag to a hacker. They loves messin with those Windows. Always looking for the *back door* to sneak in through. Big brash Internet Explorer, thinks he's so cool n modern. He's asking for it. Not like quiet little ole Miss Opera, she's from Norway, don't ya know? She keeps herself to herself, she don't be troublin no one and she's got some big ass locks on all the doors. So you hackers can just eff off, mateys.

*Sigh* It's love, y'see. I mean, other browsers are available..... Mac users have that Safari thing (no idea) and then there's the other two *alternative* choices:

G00gle Chrome

Hurray. I love everything G00gle. I would have G0ogle trousers if they sold them. Go0gle soup in a can. G00gle shoes. I would live in a GOOgle house, sleep in a Googly bed.

If I wasn't obscenely in love with Ms Opera, I would want to marry Miss Google. Every time I lost my slippers, Mrs Google (now Mrs Google-Sullivan) would find them for me. But the Google browser - G00gle *Chrome* is pathetic. It's a neurotic mess. It don't do nothin. It wakes up. Tells you it can't cope. Freezes. Wants some Prozac. Then starts cryin cos the world is such a harsh place. "Ooooh. This is a bit difficult. I don't want to open this page it's dangerous." G00gle Chrome is roobish. Come back when you've grown a pair, Chrome-io.


Firefox, that's what the *cool kids* tell me I should use. The geekios. I wonder if they like to crash their cars. Cos that's the principal benefit of Firefox. Firefox is like you're driving along on a happy sunny day, pootling along in your nice orange Honda Civic, enjoying the scenery, enjoying the music from your excellent stereo, smiling to yourself, looking across at your partner who's happily snoozing away in the seat next to you. And then you're involved in a hideously massive motorway pile up. Time stops. The world stands still. All you can feel is pain. Your loved one is dead. All your belongings are on fire. The only copy of your recently finished novel: up in flames. You're still alive but all you can feel is pain and horror. You wish you were dead as well.

That's life with Firefox. Cos here's how it goes: fill in an enormous job application form online. Press the Send button.


Press it again. Press it again. Press it again. Press it again.
Press it a effin gain..

Please don't make me *Alt-Ctl-Delete*... You bastard. Come on. Get with it. Revive yourself. Do something...... No. You have to smack it down like you're punching a dumb animal. Bang bang bang. Even though it's dead to all intents and purposes, it will not completely die. It's no use to you, but it sits there, filling up the screen a with startled frozen images of a world you once understood....

So you start again, more in hope than expectation...

"Would you like to restore the previous session?" I know that off by heart from using effin Firefox (for a few months this summer). Yeh, I would, as it goes. I would like you to effin jeffin restore the piggin previous session. Thank you.

Blank form. Firefox couldn't give a shit. It denies you ever filled in any forms. But no. I'm not bitter.

The add-on widgits are nice, I'm not disputing that. But it's like a lovely Alfa Romero car. Nice stereo, lovely walnut dashboard, but the engine's fucked. It will break down without any warning or reason.

I don't need that from a browser. I like my Scandinavian reliability. Built by people who drive Volvos and drive around in snow. They're used to comfort, reliability and coping with hardship.

And that's why I love Opera. I like my web browsers like I like my women... ummm... comprised of binary code? No. Reliable, fast, and safe. (Ok, that analogy was crap, but let's move on...)

So, Opera, lovely Opera. Consider this a recommendation. And if it crashes on you, well, that's because Opera loves me, not you. We're getting married some time in the new year.

We might play some nice opera at the wedding. Or else this other hit by Malcolm McLaren, so that I can show off a few of my breakdancing moves at the reception. It won't be the first time ...... ahem.....


  1. I have never forgiven Opera for the first trial version I had in 1754, which expired after 60 days and Achtunged at me in German forever more. I believe it's better now and what all the cool geeks are using. Are you shortly going to install Linux as well?

    Firefox is my bitch by the way, don't blame Foxy for hardware issues, or old version glitches.

    And ickle Safari's a trooper. As it would be. Be fair on Chrome also, it's truly beta.

    I'm not sure of this IE you speak of? Oh, by Them?

  2. I'm aware that I may be blinded by love and that I may have over-pimped my Firefox. It has its uses, but I'm talking to the alleged 7/10 interwebs users that know no better.

    I am like an Opera Mormon protelyzing my browser religion. Knocking on doors & asking people if they've heard the Good News. "Would you like to take this leaflet?" Come forth one and all, give up the church of Microsoft.