Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why no women watch films on ITV4, like ever.

So. Nudity. Television - anyone would think I was obsessed. It's nudity week on NAKANTF. Let's use that as an excuse. But have you ever tried to watch a film on ITV4? And okay, it's a *bloke* channel, but aren't they perhaps putting off some viewers with their advertising policy?

You're trying to watch some ropey old war film or even The Outlaw Josey Wales. A proper decent film - then up comes the adverts. You're expecting bloke products like hair gel, Lynx aftershave and lovely new cars. Hurrah! That's what men like. Perhaps an advert for some new shiny spanners. Then some trailers for car crash programmes and motorcross motorbiking. That's what I want. Except no. You rarely get that. You get repetitive adverts for The Professionals, Minder & The Sweeney - which is fair enough. That' what ITV4 does.

But what you also get are repetitive adverts for *Text a Lady - and indulge in a string of Saucy Messages at £1.50 a go*. Which wouldn't be so bad if it was mixed in with some car adverts. But instead it's mixed in with other adverts for sexy lady texting.

How embarrassing is that when you've said to a lady person, "You really should watch this film, it's dead good." And then every 15 minutes up they pop again, the blonde haired ladies of various ages *If you'd like to meet women over 60 text 089xx ... If you'd like to meet old dears over the age of 80 text 098xxx*

It's just a wee bit embarrassing is that. There's a time and a place for bikini clad ladies and it's in French films from the 1960s.

Who - second point here - who - on God's green and concrete earth - is actually paying £1.50 to TEXT that bikini clad lady in the advert???? Is she - actually her really - with her smiley face or one of her bra wearing friends - going to answer my text? Or is it going to be someone in a weird call centre who gets to choose from a variety of reply options at £1.50 per text. Probably something like:

Hello sexi. My name is Chloe. I am wearin pink undies & a pair of slippers. I look rite sexi in my cardigan. tell me about your self. Lol.

I mean. I have nothing against sexy ladies wearing pink knickers and cardigans but clearly - oh clearly - it's all a pack of lies. Aimed at stupid 13 year old boys. At £1.50 a text.

I sound like someone who has indulged in a text conversation with one of these ladies and became bitter when I found out it was actually a man named Gordon based in a call centre in Harrogate. I'm not. I like men called Gordon and if they want to tell me about their underwear, I'd be happy to listen. And then call the police if they didn't go away. But I'm not gonna pay £1.50 a text to read his crappy words. If I want to read idiot text messages I'll log onto the Twitter Public Timeline and watch the live feeds of idiot brain burps. But that's not really the point.

I don't understand how this High Cost *Dating Bikini Ladies of All Ages* malarky works as an profitable business model. How do they get away with it? And is this the only advertising revenue that ITV4 can get? Don't people want to waste their phone credits on that squeaky frog motorbike thing any more?

I don't understand how stupid people (13 year old boys) are. And I think ITV4 are daft cos they'll have no women viewers watching. And what if you want to introduce your children to The Professionals or the original Minder? Okay, maybe you never would. But your 13 year old son might like those shows. But then he would like the *text a lovely girl - she's waiting for you now in her bikini* adverts as well, so that's probably the idea.

ITV4 have worked this out. I clearly haven't.

Meanwhile, this sort of thing would never happen in Saudi Arabia - where they take text messaging much more seriously. It is a noble form of communication which can be used to divorce your wife. Which is nice.
"A court in the Red Sea city of Jeddah finalised the split -- the first known divorce in Saudi Arabia by text message -- after summoning the two relatives to check they had received word of the husband's intention, the paper said." [Yahoo News]
Meanwhile part-two - while looking for photos to illustrate this nonsense I happened upon this deliberately non-PC joke about text dating in Afghanistan. It's very wrong. Or perhaps it's true and not actually a joke. I know not. And I only include it so that you can shake your head at its utter wrongosity:

The same applies to this joke from the same site, Free Market Fairy Tales. A site of PC baiting, Jeremy Clarkson loving extreme nasty/naughtiness. Nothing to do with anything this, and just plain wrong, but - a joke:

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'why do you love doing that?’

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'


  1. I have blogged and blasphemed about this. I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong.
    The message is they are selling sex, and getting away with it.

    If it were me, advertising my arse in this way I would probably get stoned in the street... and I'm not taking about substances here


  2. I have watched ITV4. I feel wrong now.
    Comments on the adverts range from "sorry, what was that? I'm in the kitchen" through "like that's what the girls that text you look like" right the way to "no way are they real"

  3. I rest my case. I thank you.

  4. Buy a fucking DVD player and stop watching TV you retard.