Friday, July 31, 2009

Why I hate Alpha Males

Ahhhhhh, you big gorillas - loud, proud, confident and male - oh so very testosterone packed you are. And oh so very proud of your hetrosexuality and dominance over the sad sack rest of us. You don't need no book learnin or skills that have taken time to learn - coz you can rule the world with your aggression and might and manly aura of dominance.

Did I really use the same word twice in the same paragraph? Yes: dominance - for Alpha Males - it's all about the dominance. They're the big gorilla and they want to shag the other female monkeys and slap any bonobos or rhesus monkeys that get in your way. They are *THE DADDY.*

You may even ask your female mate during coitus, "Who's the Daddy, baby? Who's the Daddy?" And hopefully when she answers, "You are! You are!" it's all a bit of play acting. Hopefully, you're not actually...

But, y'know, you're an ape and you take what you need and f*ck everyone else. You really could not give an eff or a jeff what those little chimps think of you. You are the Daddy!!!

Personally, like the cheeky chimp I am, I just want to steal their bananas when they're not looking and run around with the bananas stuck in my ears - hooting with derision & glee - makin sure all the while that I'm well out of the way of the Alpha ape's vengeful fists.

You have your big dangerous hairy ape hands - I have bananas shoved in my ears - who's winning now, you big ape?

Now obviously, I have no personal grudge with your actual jungle dwelling apes. King Kong is a great tragic hero, I won't hear a word said against him. He was one of the great film stars of the 1930s - and I always supported him when he was gettin attacked by Godzilla. I'm not ape-ist in the least, I wouldn't go as far as to say that some of my best friends are apes - but some of them are disturbingly hairy. Some of them would give Creationists pause for concern - coz God never intended man to have a back that hairy...

No, but this week in my Ceefax viewing & my continued obsessing over Big Brother - I have been throwing bananas at the tv screen. Alpha males have briefly been in excelsius.

In fact had I managed to get round to writing this guff two days ago when I first started getting het up - this would be a much angrier post. But now, I have a chimp like grin on my face.

First off: my Ceefax viewing of the cricket. I can't listen on the radio when England are losing, it's too soul destroying. I don't have Sky so bla de bla bla. But on Thursday I did check the ole Ceefax - and there was the Australian cricketer I have loathed from a distance for a number of years - (I'm sure it's irrational, I'm sure he's actually a nice bloke, I'm sure, hmmm...) - there was Shane Watson - scoring lots of runs. Hate hate hate irrational pointless hate. He's super-confident, he says he's super-talented - but he had never previously actually done anything to prove it. All mouth and no trousers so to speak - lots of sledging, biceps and hair gel & not much else - except now he seemed to have found his Daddy trousers. He was walking the talk. Scoring runs, opening the innings. Hate hate hate rational hate. But whilst accepting that I may have some deep mental issues and also be exhibiting some more natural 'hate the oppostion' sports fan behaviours - isn't there something about those Alpha Males that seem to have it all: looks, money, confidence - that makes you want to hate them?

Certainly if they seem to lack the talent to be so confident - then it's just arrogance. If you're a talented big ape with a sense of humour like, err, Freddie Flintoff, Bill Clinton or the Terminator - then it's so much harder to hate them. Or if they retire from terminating, cricket or politics - they suddenly become that much more human. Like a sad old grey haired ape, sitting on a rock chewing on some fruit with a sad look in his red, increasingly blind eyes. You feel for him - this George Best of the ape world. If he could speak he would tell you about the old days and you would listen respectfully, finding his tales amusing and entertaining. Much like you would with Mad Frankie Fraser - though if it was the young but equally *Mad* Frankie Fraser - you would justifiably run a mile. He could keep the bananas, I really wouldn't argue...

But this cricketer fellow, Shane Watson, he just seemed to be the epitome of the proud, dumb, peacocking Apha Male. Worthy of nothing but derision. So naturally I was disappointed when he turned out to be quite good. The bastard. Bah. Happily his being good only lasted a day, then a Geordie lad called Onions - who looks and speaks like Sid the Sexist - slightly hunchbacked, haircut like it's 1986, so Newcastle you can't understand a word he says - got him out. The revenge of the Nerds. That made me happy. It wasn't as good as when Indian batsman Gautam Gambhir elbowed Shane Watson in the ribs, but it still amused me.

Oi! Non-cricket lovers - stop yawning... oh ok, you're allowed. I'm wittering (it's like twittering but with more character).

God I'm a terrible person. But then when David played Goliath - I think I'm right in saying that little Dave was the crowd favourite, no? We all love an underdog. We like to mock and laugh at the big apes - making fun of them is usually our only weapon as although a little stone to the forehead worked for young Dave - I've found to my cost that a tiny little stone to the head usually just makes your big apes quite a bit more angry. Running away works best I find...

Then: part two - came Big Brother - which I hereby disavow and promise to go cold turkey on...

A new contestant: "Isaac Stout is a 23-year-old entertainer/bar owner from Ohio, USA. He is Noirin's ex-boyfriend and entered the house on Day 56. Isaac also originally appeared and met Noirin during his time as a roommate on MTV's The Real World: Sydney."

And of course he is a big grizzly Alpha Male with no sense of his own aggressiveness, no sense of anyone else's rights, no sense basically. I'm sure he's a lovely man. He always gets the girl and rarely changes his shirt coz he likes the smell of his own sweaty pheromones. He does that miming *spanking a horse that you're riding* dance and tells his girlfriend, "It's all over now. Daddy's home."

She nods and smiles while I vomit and scream. And that's quite an achievement to do both those things at the same time. Yikkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeurrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhh!

So there is no rationality or conclusion. They just annoy me probably because I'm not them. I would like to be big, thoughtless and successful, but nature made me a sarcastic nebbish chimp. But anyway, happily the Big Brother ape decided to leave coz his girl got kicked out. And possibly coz no one else in the house liked him. Sometimes it's better to be a cheeky chimp with friends than a dominant ape lording it over a bunch of people that hate you.

Fuck you, Alpha Males, you can keep your bananas - I'm gonna go off & have a tea party with my chimpanze friends... Ha! In your Silverback face!

I feel slightly ashamed of myself for even writing this. Ceefax, mindless abuse towards Australian cricketers, Big Brother - again. Bah...


  1. Admit it.. you're a people watcher!

  2. O but of course. I like the way that people interact in predictable and unpredictable ways. I'm trying to learn lessons as well, although I never actually put the things I have learnt into practice - still keep makin the same stoopid mistakes. etc.

  3. To quote,'They just annoy me probably because I'm not them. I would like to be big, thoughtless and successful,'

    Would you?

    Leave out the thoughtless. The big is questionable and then you are left with success.

    That will do for me.

    Are you confusing 'alpha' with 'oaf'?

    Besides, in writing terms you are 'alpha' LOL

  4. I may be confusing Alpha with oaf it's true. But I'm thinking Investment bankers - people who get by on testosterone & dominance alone, who don't give a poo about anyone else. The so called 'Masters of The Universe'. Or Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. How does he do it? He has good scriptwriters, I guess. But I'll leave em alone now. And many thanks for the comment, sir.

  5. People have this picture in their head of "Alpha-male" gorrila pounding his chest. In the Homo-sapiens species it's totally different. An alpha can be an alpha without insecure displays of dominance. In fact, that's what defines the Homo-sapiens alpha. Alphas are those guys who receive everybody's approval and respect without even trying. Not the angry beer soaked brutes you're describing. That said, I still hate alpha's with a passion. They have it way too fucking easy.