Friday, July 24, 2009

Why Marcus needs to realise that Noirin will never fancy him

So where was I? Oh yeah, somewhere else, but never mind.

Dear imaginary reader, imagine for just a moment that you are a female (or a gentleman that has an eye for a handsome male face). Imagine that you're at a fabulous London party and that you are approached in turn by the charming and witty politician John Prescott, the cool and diamond toothed rapper Lil Wayne & the spiky haired hunk of chef self-love that is Gary Rhodes. You're obviously a bit of a hottie, Dear Imaginary Reader - all these men are after you. They want you, they're making it pretty obvious! A nod is as good as a wink to a blindman's uncle, as they say. Honk honk - you're getting chatted up - first by John, then by Lil and finally by Gary.

But what is your initial reaction when you're greeted by these fellows? First sight - first thought?

How long does it take you to make up your mind as to whether you will go home tonight with one of these men (or go on a date with them that will inevitably lead to rumpy mcpumpy in 3 weeks time)? Are you open minded or is your mind closed immediately? Obviously, it's not just about looks; it's about presence and personality and charisma. Perhaps something inside you makes you shiver (in a good way) as twinkly eyed Gary Rhodes engages you in a conversation about custard.

Would you be convinced to get jiggy after 3 minutes of flirty conversation about whisking with Gary Rhodes or 5 minutes of filthy but amusing tooth care advice from Lil Wayne? Or would you never ever consider the idea of any of them? Would you have made your mind up and be absolutely sure within 15 seconds that you would never ever ever get horizontal with John Prescott? No matter what he said!!!

I read in some magazine or website - or perhaps it was even in Neil Strauss's The Game - a book written about a journalist 'infiltrating' the world of the Pick Up Artist. By the end Strauss has become a lady magnet, or so we're told. Either way, this article said that when they first meet a man - women do a thing called:
'The Hover Test'
where they consciously, or subconsciously, imagine a man's face hovering approximately 15 inches above them. As if the man were - like - doing it to you. Rumpy mcmissionary style. Well could you imagine that? John, Lil or Gary hovering above you - just within kissing or punching range?

Have I just put an awful thought in your mind? Can you see John Prescott grimacing and grunting as he lies above you? You probably want to scream - and not in a good way. Here's that picture again, just in case you haven't made your mind up yet...

I'm closing my eyes now and imagining - and now I'm going off to have my brain washed clean... scrub scrub those thoughts away...

Seriously, I'm sorry, you guys, I really like - but, y'know, as friends? - so personally I'm going to have to say no to all of you. There'll be no rumpy with me tonight, chaps. I don't care how much charm you have. I'm decided. Forget it, boys. Move on, I believe Katie Price is single...

Now personally as a man who is not Brad Pitt, or even Brian Pratt, I think this is a bit harsh. After all, why dismiss me and Prescott because you don't like the way we look when 'hovering' above you? God invented at least 7 or 8 other rumpy positions where you don't actually have to look at the person you're doing the mcpumpy with. Surely this was done in the best interests of women who are slightly offended by the looks of their partner? Doing it 'D0ggy style' for instance means that you can both read a book or watch tv while you're in the act? Or stare at photos of George Clooney you have blu-tacked to the wall for just this situation? Come on, women, use your imagination!

I have used this argument before with women that have rejected my advances and the logic of it seems to go over their heads. Equally, if all else fails and you are a John Prescott lookalike you can consider joining the leather and whipping community - a leather face mask improves the appearance of even the most ugly faced man. Again this is an argument that seems to fail when I put it to women who tell me:

"I'm just not attracted to you, I'm sorry."
"How about if I wear a leather Gimp mask? How about then? Would that help? You can't say - 'I'm not attracted to you' - if you can't see my face. It's not logical!!!"

Generally they refuse to agree that they have no logical reasons to refuse rumpy mc pumpery. Life is unfair. Lots of people have some socially or genetically programmed vision of who they are attracted to: someone as attractive as they think they are; someone witty, charming and confident - bla bla bla. And if you don't fit that profile then you've got next to no chance. And oftentimes when it comes to initial attraction the looks thing is a biggy. Which brings me to the wonderful plotline in the current Big Brother 10.

Now normally - well, for the past few years at least - I haven't looked at it. Or else I've only watched a few people sleeping when I couldn't at 3am. It is a great way to bore yourself to sleep - provided you don't start questioning your very existence - 'Is this why I was born? Is this why I'm on this earth? To watch boring people sleep while I sit here picking my nose and yawning?'

But this past weekend I was struck down by illness, a severe bout of the worst tummy upsetness I've ever ever experienced. So while I wasn't dealing with my ummm issues in the smallest and smelliest room in the house, I was struggling to sleep, struggling to concentrate on anything and generallly just lying around feeling justifiably sorry for myself. Hence I was watching Big Brother. And there's this plot line that I could relate to: Marcus fancies Noirin like crazy - Noirin bats her enormous eye lashes, laps up the attention and 'likes him as a friend.' Marcus thinks he stands a chance, he thinks he can convince her to pick him up out of the Just Good Friends box and put him into her bed. Noirin thinks not, but likes that he keeps trying. She enjoys having a lap dog.

Obviously there is some incongruence in the levels of attractiveness in this non-couple. Irish beauty Noirin looks like Phil Lynott's spectacularly gorgeous grand-daughter. Clearly, I'm in love with her, as is another housemate - who I think is called Shazbot - and who looks like the love child of a wizard and koala bear. Obviously, Noirin is not interested in him either. She would not be interested in my gimp mask theory, I'm sure. She may be slightly superficial.

Marcus in contrast thinks he looks like some post-apocalyptic warrier with his fantastic mullet, tattoos, large arms and scary Wolverine style mutton chops. In reality he looks like a bouncer at a heavy metal disco in Aldershot. He looks like someone who does karate 3 times a week and then goes out for 5 pints of ale and has a large kebab on the way home. I certainly wouldn't want to fight him - either in a post-apocalyptic forest or outside a kebab shop. He is a bit scary, but again, not in the way he'd like to be... That said - I like him. I can relate to him. He's trying so hard. And yet he doesn't know what to do: should he be nicer to her - should he ignore her - should he bake her a cake - will she be impressed if he does a really good karate kick? Would she like it if he biffed new housemate Tom on the nose?

Of course she would like that. Noirin would like men fighting over her - it fits with her image of herself as a beautiful princess. But now handsome, posh, muscly Tom has arrived what will happen if Noirin gets off with him? She has already intimated that she probably fancies the posh Charles Atlas lookalike. So what will Marcus do? Will he give up? Will he karate kick Tom's big square jawed face? If Noirin told him she'd go out with him if he cut off his mullet - would he shave his head for her? It's a great plot. I'm just not sure I can be bothered watching all the other Big Brother crap to watch it.

I may have maxed out my interest - especially now Pick Up Artist & International Playboy - the hilariously deluded and nasty Kenneth has escaped. But hope remains for Marcus - can you move from Just Good Friends to potential bed mate - if you have a face like a bag of rusty spanners? Hope springs eternal for us all. Do it for the team, Marcus! Or else get a grip and move on with your life, but that would be so much less entertaining to watch...


  1. LOL.. NOW I know where you have been...

  2. I don't watch BB, if I can help it LOL.

    But just looking at the photos gives me a clue. He looks like a dork.

    Men who use their facial hair to make a statement, I think, are saying that they are more interested in themselves than you.

    It's a 'look at me' thing. No woman is going to like that.

    I may, of course, be completely wrong.

    Your reference to 'doggy' makes me smile.

    Whenever I read about a woman who raves over it being her favourite position I wonder if it is really because she doesn't want to watch the honey monster, or whatever, huffing and puffing above her and would rather not have a distraction whilst she imagines George Clooney rogering her vigorously from behind.

    Same with the eyes being closed or oral maybe.

  3. Do you know what?

    I get to meet men just like John Prescott, Gary Rhodes.. Tom Dick and Harry, and I get to see another side of them!

    Never judge a book by it's cover Mark Sullivan!

    In being picky when choosing the girl you are about to chat up, you are missing out on a whole 'nother world.

    The sexual being is usually nothing like the outward persona, and as for looks? I'm not a fan.

  4. Well it seems like I've got it wrong anyway - whilst my hero Marcus was locked in jail - the woman ends up getting off with Shazbot! I'm shocked and disappointed, but looking forward to the bloodshed that our tragic hero will cause when he gets out. Go Othello/Marcus!!!

    as for his facial hair, well, i think Marcus has lots of 'look-at-me' body parts (his hair especially) - he's young(ish) and stupid, but will no doubt grow up to be old, stupid and badly tattooed. We all make choices, some are for life.

    So, yes, some women are not so superficial, it's just that I have had experiences more recently that have darkened my soul, so I'm still feeling bitter and a bit twisted. But perhaps Shazbot and his adventures with Noirin can teach me a lesson. I'm not sure what just yet though...

  5. Poor old Siavash... she's just using him..LOL