Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Why can't these women just leave the dolphins alone!

My life style guru said no. She said it was a bad idea. I forget her exact words but it was something like - nooooooooooooooooooo, noooooo, nooooo, no - don't do it - no. So of course I did. It was a few months back and I've recovered now. I've stopped. But for a while, I admit, I did indulge in some internet dating...

Now I'm not a misanthropist - some of my best friends are people. And I can't even spell misogenist, but.....

But... it might seem like it if you read this. But really, I'm a nice guy! I never ever take the mickey out of people - particularly when it comes to their bad spelling, bad grammar or idiotic ideas. I would never do that - it would be too easy. However, on this occasion, I thought I'd change the habits of a life time... and poke some fun at some unnamed illiterates. Someone will learn a lesson - if only me.

So. Internet dating - as it's called - although the actual dating part tends to be in the real world, doesn't it? So it's more like internet browsing of other people's photos and idiot explanations of who they are and what they want.

Damn. This sounds a bit like Facebook, doesn't it? And I've foresworn all that nonsense. Still, the advantage is - in the world of internet dating - nobody hears you scream/or lie - whereas on the Facebook- if you start bragging about your pet snake and Ferrari sports car - someone might pop up & say, "Ay, up Mark, you ride around on a Raleigh Grifter with a broken seat, don't lie, our kid. Lol. Ferrari indeed! Btw give my love to Peter the python. Ttfn"

So first things first, I sign up to this site that we'll call 'Date-A-Doofus' or DAD for short. I load up a photo of me that has a name like 'DSF000079' which indicates that it was a case of 79th time lucky. Standing in your room holding a phone or camera at arm's length trying to take a photo of yourself that doesn't look utterly gruesome, it's not easy, is it? By photo 79 I'm really looking bored, in fact I'm too bored to bother deleting it. Bored might look like I'm mean & moody - and that's a good look, right?

Next I copy-and-paste a profile up from my List of Best Ever Internet Dating Profiles - after all - I'm just looking and I don't want to put in too much effort at this stage. Right?

Right. No prizes for guessing which one I used. Or for guessing that I didn't pick the one about 'the full head rubber Miss Piggy mask' or the witty story about protruding ear hairs...

It was one of the others. So. Next stage - browse 'the available talent' as we used to say when I were a lad. Let's be havin you ladies...

Or more prosaically, you had to enter your search criteria of age/geographical location/level of idiocy etc.

And at this point, I have to point out that I don't have anything to say about the men's profiles profiles cos when I clicked on them to have a look (for purely research purposes) they would send me messages back threatening to duff me up and ask me if I am a Qeer. Or they just called me a effin Homeo. But I'm guessing the rubbish spelling, idiocy and lack of personality listed here aren't entirely gender specific.

God, I'm a snob. Obviously. But, y'know, everyone needs a hobby, and for a while my hobby was:

*Despairing at the human race - as exemplified by women on this dating site*

And yes, I'm sorry 'angle eyes' I should have given you a chance. Your eyes may have been extremely angular - maybe pointing in different directions at the same time, but it was the thing about you like a 'man (who) wears nice cloths' - that slightly freaked me out to be honest. Now, I assume you mean clothes - but perhaps you do like a man - probably a Chippendale style man - dressed only in a selection of washing up cloths. And that would be a little bit too weird for me, so I'm sorry, but I'm out...

Yes, because here's the fun part. After you'd written your silly profile you then had to go on and fill in a series of questions. Really! It was like having a part-time job. It would be easier to just randomly chat people up in Tescos. And at least then you'd come home with a bag of potatoes, so your time wouldn't be completely wasted...

So, to save you all some time here are some results from my reading of profiles. I have learnt lots about the state of womanhood in the United Kingdom in 2009. All of the facts below are TRUE and statistically proven:

  • Lots of women like Vin Diesel - personally I find his films since XxX to be a bit, well, shit.
  • Pulling your tongue out as you stare into the camera - apparently this is a fun thing to do. I suppose it's meant to indicate *I'm a nutter me!!!* Or I'm sexy and bonkers. But can just look like you have problems controlling your tongue and that it unfortunately just sticks out all the time, gathering dust. Which wouldn't be ideal. Unless their is photographic evidence to the contrary, it is hard to know what to think. 'Put it away, love.'
  • "If A lad Can Make Me Laff Thn Hes All Good =D" - sense of humour is still popular in a prospective partner. Sadly the woman that wrote the line above didn't think it was funny when I mailed her and quoted that line back at her and asked her what '=D' meant. I knew that D = V x T - if V is velocity & T is time, but how did distance have any bearing on sense of humour? I asked her if she was thinking in terms of Einstein's theory of special relativity - if it was some sort of comment about the perception of time when one is enjoying oneself? She didn't write back needless to say. I think on that occasion I was trying too hard - I don't really understand Einstein that well, so she probably ended up laughing at me - not with me. I might have been thinking about Einstein's General Theory of Relativity. I get em a bit confused...
  • After all, our other interests matched up pretty well: I too wanted 'Sumone Who Likes Me For Me N Not What Av Got, And Isnt After One Fing =P'
  • Where P represents momentum so that P = M (movement) times V (velocity). Yeah, ok, I'll stop it now...
  • Another part of the questionnaire thingy asked you to list your Top 3 interests & Top 3 un-interests (I forget the exact wording)... One woman listed her Top 3 interests as: 1 - Partys; 2 - aving a laf wit m8s; 3 - friendshit. I was confused by the last one so wrote to her to try and find out what she found so fascinating about 'friend shit'. She didn't write back.
  • Someone else liked: 'cwtching' - What is that? catching? watching? I wrote to her to find out. Naturally she ignored me.
  • On the un-interest list - a lady said that she didn't like '1 - bold heads; 2 - facal hair' But what is wrong with people having bold heads? Stalin: he had a bold expression. And he would have made a nice boyfriend. And facal hair? Is that fecal hair spelled wrong? Is that 'poo hair' that she doesn't like? Well, sure, no one likes hairy poo, that goes without saying... I didn't write to her. Weirdo.
  • They like to post up photos of their dogs, these dating women do. I don't know quite why. Five pictures of a dog, one blurry photo of a lady holding a dog. In response to that I decided to post up a photo of my goldfish, Brian. And a photo of my granny. And my granny's dog. My granny's dog died in 1983 and my granny died soon after, but ladies like a man who has a granny with a dog. That's been scientifically proven in tests...
  • They put up photos of their children. Now personally I think it's enough to tell me that you have children. That's fine. That's regular. But I do not need to see 3 photos of them. If they have Nazi tattoos on their foreheads or additional limbs then yeah, show me a photo, I'll be interested. In fact I know a documentary director that works for Channel 5, he'd definitely be interested. But no single man on a Dating Site should be interested in what your children look like. You may attract the wrong sort of chap. Odd.
  • As is this idea. Putting an ascii text bunny rabbit in the space where it tells you to describe yourself. You're a cute rabbit, are you? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Mind of a child. Wrong sort of chap: encouraged.
  • As is: a big description of how you have just come out of a very bad relationship and that you're fragile - and weak and suitable to be taken advantage of - again - may attract the wrong sort of chap. Or suggest that you're very likely to kill someone.
  • Women want younger men apparently. In the 'good' old days women were happy to trot around with old duffers, but not any more, it seems. But then we all want stuff. I want a decent pencil sharpener that actually works, but, y'know, what we want and what we get when we shop in Poundland are very different matters. Anyway, I applaud this social change with the weary resignation of a man that grows older every day.
  • Women have opinions on chest hair. I've not looked at the men's profile pages that much, but do they have injunctions on what breast size and nipple shapes are acceptable if a lady is intent on a rewarding physical friendship with them? Actually they probably do.
  • '3 Things to do before you Die!' Some people set the bar quite low: 'go Italy'. Really?  Go to Italy? Why not 'buy a pair of shoes'. It costs about the same amount of money. Come on - have a desire to go into space or meet the Queen. Get some actual ambitions, lady. (No disrespect) Although, that said lots and lots of women want to 'swim wiv dolphins' or even 'swim with sharks'. Quite a lot want to see the Northern Lights or 'go ghost hunting'. One women listed her hobby as 'ghost hunting' & her ambition as 'go ghost hunting'. I suspect her hobby was actually 'watching cable tv' & her ambition was to 'carry on watching telly'. Anyway, I blame television for everything. No one wanted to bother dolphins before some idiot celebrity started fiddling with them and saying how much fun it was. Why did no one write 'I want to be buried alive'? I guess because that might attract the wrong sort of bloke as well... Oh well.
  • 'Ideal Dinner Party Guests' - Jordian is very popular of course. I'm commentless.
  • The ideal man 'likes staying in and also going out' - personally I like hanging around near the front door - sort of half in/half out. I'm pretty much ideal when it comes to the 'going out/staying in' matrix. In one minute - out the next!

So that is what the modern woman in the United Kingdom in 2009 wants and likes and needs. Hello, ladies! In a future episode I may well describe what happened subsequently in the world of Internet Dating. I may not...


  1. Listen mate,, we ALL want to see the ruddy Northern lights.. ever since that prgramme on the telly with Joanna Lumley, you know the one,, where she cries........

    Didn't any of them like watching the Simpsons or eating pies????

    You could have said you liked baking. Or bakeing even.

    Where's your imagination?

    I loved reading all that! It made me smile a lot:)

    The human race is so uncomplicated at times. Swim with Dolphins eh? Not a bad thing to aspire to. Beats being addicted to online BINGO anyway.

  2. Anonymous9:20 am

    I'm going to bookmark this blog just because of the lovely Stalin picture.

  3. Not having seen seen the 'programme' with Saint Joanna of Lumleyshire it's hard to comment. Why is she not a Lady yet? Surely the Queen & the Gurkhas will do something about that soon. I thought the northern lights were in Newcastle but I may be wrong.

    I should have displayed my heavy pies, it's true. Or a few more pictures of Stalin. Everybody loves Big Joe. Well, maybe not so much back in the 1950s - but now - it's like Michael Jackson, everyone will forget the bad stuff eventually.

    btw - I suspect someone is trying to out themselves as an online bingo addict...

  4. Oh no I'm bloody well not! I'm a Big brother forum fan though. When it ends I will pick up the remnants of my miserable life, and wait for the next one.

    Roll on BB11


  5. Anonymous12:08 pm

    you sir, are very silly, and i enjoy your thoughts. :3