Monday, August 24, 2009

Why someone needs to do the young Miss Marple

It's the in thing these days in the film & tv world - origins stories. So we've had Batman Begining, Superman when he lived in a Smallville and now Alien Origins - Ridley Scott has signed up to make a film about how that alien ended up on a space ship in the first place. Smashing. Well he's a good director and it's a decent plot so why not.

The 'industry' loves nothing better than using a pre-existing character in a new film - thus there's so many reinventions of cartoon superhero characters or there's the reinvented, rebooted James Bond. And ages and ages ago there was the young Indiana Jones & the young Sherlock Holmes. The idea is the audience already has some knowledge of the character so they'll empathise & be interested to know more. Although Indiana Jones & Sherlock Holmes are both pretty annoying young chaps - always getting into adventures and being successful in a slightly smug way.

Anyway, I thought I would come up with some ideas to send to the tv companies to reboot & re-invent some existing franchise characters.

Young Miss Marple's Adventures - Ahhh, see, just writing that title makes me think that this has to be a p0rn film. It sounds like some smutty filth from the 1970s, but maybe that's just my sick and twisted mind...

The Miss Marple we know is obviously a highly successful amateur detective, bicycle rider, hat wearer and slightly constipated born-again virgin. But what was the young Miss Marple like? How did she get so buttoned up and disapproving of fun and jollity? Was she always like that or did she have an unfortunate happenstance that changed her forever? 

I like to think so. I like to think that the niave young Miss Marple was already showing her detective skills finding books in the British Library (see highly accurate photos for illustrative purposes only). The show itself would concern a dashing young Belgian chap called Hercule with whom Miss Marple is having an on-off torrid affair. He is a tyro private detective but in the sexist world of 1930s London he is dismissive of young Miss Marple's suggestions of who murdered Lord Archibald in the drawing room. He suggests she sticks to what she knows: finding first edition copies of 'Flyfishing' by J.R. Hartley. Then in episode 3, Hercule announces that he is leaving her for a man called Roger Ackroyd. Hercule has finally come to terms with his incipient gayosity. Miss Marple, like an idiot, blames herself. She wonders why she fell for Hercule in the first place and why he was attracted to her if he liked men. She is heartbroken and utterly confused. After a brief period working as a lap dancer in Soho (*check for period accuracy*) she decides to defy convention and set herself up as a young celibate cycling detective.

I think I can sell that one to Channel 5.

Morph: the plasticine years Morph the dancing, morphing, lump of plasticine who starred as artist Tony Hart's little sidekick for so many years is a character that really should not be lost to TV. Just because Tony Hart got very old and then died, doesn't mean that Morph should retire as well. He is ripe for re-invention. Here is my proposal:

It's a philosophical conundrum similar to the Big Bang Theory. It's about Morph's pre-existence - his essence exists in a tub of plasticine but he hasn't been fully formed yet. Visually it's a bit dull. It's just a tub of plasticine - but it's a tub of plasticine that asks lots of questions about the nature of reality and potentiality.

Predestination - all of that. A ten minute film of a tub of plasticine. Hmmm. We could lively it up a bit by letting some talentless child play with the plasticine - forming a sort of Neanderthal Morph... (see mock-up photo created by talented young sculptor).

I think I will enter this film into the Turner Prize.

Jeremy Kyle - Schoolboy Twat

Ahhh, the lovely JK. Tormentor of the hopeless plebs, constantly berating them for being jobless, feckless, dribbling twonks with 12 children each before they are old enough to vote. Talk about an unfair contest, Jeremy. Try shouting at Richard Dawkins or a Fox tv host and see how far you get. Anyway...



Jeremy Kyle is a friendless schoolboy in 1980s Britain. Everyone thinks he's a tosser and bullies him mercilessly. I am going to star in this adaptation as his biology teacher.

Biology Teacher: "Has everyone completed their homework? Do you all have your results for the DNA test? Jeremy Kyle, you snivelling little snot bucket, do you have your DNA test results?"

Then we'll have a bully sitting behind little Jeremy flicking him with a ruler and spitting bits of wet paper at the back of his head. Meanwhile in his voiceover Jeremy fulminates about the scruffy kids at the back of the class. He sneers at their young smoking parents. He is sickened by Jenny Snodgrass as she snogs all the boys in the class except for him.

In the showers young Jeremy worries about the size and inadequacy of his penis. As do the rest of his classmates who point and laugh at him.

Jeremy Kyle vows to have his revenge. And like so many serial killers & serial twatheads from history - he will.

I think I can sell this idea to Jeremy Kyle's production company. If he doesn't buy it then I will make it into a low budget feature film.

1 comment:

  1. My Own Morph: current bestseller on Firebox. I buyed it; haven't made it, massively enjoyed the included DVD of Morph episodes. Huzzah!

    So Morph is big already, if only to geeks and people that look like Velma.

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