Sunday, January 17, 2010

Why human fat is the only fat it is perfectly safe to eat

Fat. Everyone loves a bit of fat. Whether it's in your 'healthy' half-fat milk or your indulgent bacon, sausage, fried bread and hash brown breakfast - you can't beat a nice bit of fat. Sadly, "the powers that be" have "decided" that fatty food is not good for us. Frankly it's "Political Correctness Gone Mad!!!". If I can't sit in my own home watching the Playland tv station whilst I mainline a goose fat into my veins - I mean - what has gone wrong with this country???? They'll be telling me what to drink next. Seven units a day?????? It's crazy. etc

However, it's not just 'the government' telling me what to do. It's people that I do know. A friend that we'll call 'Matilda' came round my old gaff about 6 months ago and I was frying something with posh olive oil. The virgin type that has not been used for nowt ever. That has not even been fondled. Surely that must be good for me????? Oh how wrong that was. 'Apparently' I should not have been frying with that.

Madness! Apparently the foreign johnnies use it in 'salads' or somesuch. Not for frying chips. That's where I was going wrong. So being an obedient so-and-so I went out and bought some sunflower oil. Like it was the early 1980s and that was the thing to do. High fibre and sunflower oil - that's still right, right?

Or so the bbc tells me: Fat is an essential part of the diet, but lots of people eat more fat than they need or is good for them.
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But now Matilda is telling me the opposite is true.:

And I should listen to Mr Ray Peat and his 'anti-science' arguments. Mr Ray Peat says that, "The food-derived polyunsaturated fatty acids play important roles in the development of all of the problems associated with aging bla bla bla."

It's convincingly confusing all this science and anti-science talk. I wish Harry Hill would appear and settle the issue with a jolly good fight between Mr Peat & Mr BBC.

In the meantime I remain convinced that human fat is the way forward. Either syphon off your own subcutaneous fatty tissue and keep it in the freezer until the next time you need to fry some onions - or else buy some blubber off a fat friend. It's win-win. They get thinner and you get a healthy selection of fried foods. Roast potatoes in fat lady fat - what could be better than that. It's the future. You know where you are with human fat. If it's already part of your body it's not doing you any harm if you cook it n eat it, right? I'm thinking of getting a tap fitted in my abdomen. One day I will be seen as forward thinking.

As Woody Allen as pointed out previously, thoughts change on these matters. I expect to be proved right AS ALWAYS.......

Earthquake + Haiti + 50,000 dead x Daily Mail = Asperger's Disease & Kate McCann

Followed up with a little bit of Beyonce in her knickers and some medical guff about eye tests. See here to read more here on Project76 blog

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday snow

Britain + the weather. We love it. We love the fact that it's weather. It brings us together like the 'Spirit of the Blitz' (tm). Strangers talk in bus queues. Neighbours have baths and repeated multi-positional sexual intercourse with each other just to stay warm. It's a glorious thing.

Here is a bit of the bbc website (quoted at length) to back up my tedious and predictable claim (note: I have 'found & replaced' three words in the article - try and guess which ones they are! It's fun for the whole family!!!)

Ahem. Here we go then...

Britain prepares to face blizzard

British households have been advised to stock up on food, medicines and drinking water as the nation braces for a blizzard that is heading its way.

Britain's Civil Protection Office says heavy snowfalls expected on Saturday could trigger local power cuts and severely disrupt public transport. 

Gale-force winds and drifting snow are expected to bring traffic to a standstill in many parts of Britain. 

The British authorities say the situation is exacerbated by shortages of grit for clearing roads.

Airports have called in extra staff and rail operators have warned of delays.

Households have been advised to keep three or four days' worth of provisions, including alternative cooking fuel in case of power cuts. Among the essential items listed by the BBK is a battery-powered radio, for checking weather

In cities like Glasgow, Red Cross workers were setting up heated tents for emergency accommodation as up to 10 homeless people have frozen to death in recent weeks because of the cold weather. from the bbc news bit

Okay then, quiz time: what were the three words I changed? Hmmm? Guesses?

Yes, that's right as I'm sure both of my imaginary readers guessed - I did a find & replace for the words 'Germany>Britain', 'German>British' & 'Dusseldorf>Glasgow'. I took out the Germanic references and put in Britain etc! Hilarious! Pointless? NO. And thrice NO NO NO!!!

Cos here's the thing: in that Germany country they kinda do their best & work all efficiently & such (though they're also low on grit - the dumkofs! They need to get Herr Cameron in charge he would make sure they had enough grit. It's ein disgrace!). But there's an acceptance that yeah, it's quite bad. Really bad. But what are ya gonna do, huh? If we ever get told to 'stock up on food' there will be a bloggerific uproar. 'Gordon Brown to blame for lack of planning: he should have bought more baked beans, say bloggers.'

These German johnnies, they stock up on food & stay in. We bravely press on and travel heroic distances in our cars to our jobs miles and miles away from where we live. We shall not be defeated by the weather! We are King Canute. We must defeat the tide of increasingly weird weather - whilst blaming everyone we can find for not being efficient enough at running trains or gritting roads. La la la. "So much for *Global Warming!*" We say like the amusing and original souls we are. Oh it's all so tedious. The anger, the self-righteousness, the self-congratulation and loud announcements of people arriving at work wanting everyone to know how long it took them to get in (I've done it myself, I'm almost ashamed to say). "Three hours it took me!" I tell them. Although if I was being truthful I'd add: "Just to get out of bed! I really couldn't be arsed today and the weather is a great excuse. I went to my dealer on the way. The weather doesn't stop the crack cocaine, y'know."

I think this is why we won 'the' war & had an empire: just pig-headed refusal to be defeated by stuff. In a really stupid irrational moany way. We do it then we have a five hour summary of what we did. A bit like all these documentaries about the war. Expect most of 2010 to be retrospective documentaries about snow. And our heroism in the face of 'a bit of bad weather.'

It's the same when we go out into the sunshine of Spain in the summer and get burnt like bacon whilst the Spanish are having a sensible little sleep. We want a proper sun tan as quickly as we can! We're only on holiday for a week and we're damned if we're going to follow the 'sensible' advice. We will defeat the sunshine and force it to tan our skin. Pah! I can take sunburn (though I reserve the right to whinge about my self-inflicted pain tomorrow....).

And now we fight the winter weather - and complain if the supermarkets don't have enough kiwi fruits & soya milk. Bla bla bla - eat some turnips like in the olden days.

People from the olden days - the old folks - they tell us meanwhile how schools didn't used to close down when it was snowy. "Elf & Safety gone mad it is!" Probably. More like it's cos the teachers live 50 miles away from the school and can't get there in their cars. And most of the kids arrive by car as well. In the good old olden days the kids walked and the teacher cycled in whilst smoking a pipe and caning every boy he passed for sport. And it didn't do them any harm, did it? Apart from the nervous twitches, emotional remoteness and adult obsession with spanking.

Those were the days. People probably lived within cycling distance of the factory they worked at as well (in the 1950s I'm thinking). Now even agency workers or those at the bottom of the employment food chain often have to travel 25 miles to work. I know, I've done it, I do it. Can't we all do 'job swaps' with the people travelling in the opposite direction? I wouldn't mind being a surgeon or a chimney sweep, if there's any jobs going in my local area...

1963 compared to 2010

Cars - it's all about cars these days. The problems of 'Britain at a standstill' (tm) are defined by cars being stuck. The schools don't open cos the cars can't get there. Fruit & veg can't arrive from Spain cos the trucks can't get here. In the future we'll all have to go back to living in little settlements with allotments & a little local school and a parade of shops. A butcher, a baker and an iPod maker.

Meanwhile we need to try not to fight the power of the weather. We need to be more Zen. Which is easy for me to say. Haberdashery is a word I find much more difficult to say, but that's not important right now...

p.s. having just done a Google search for pictures of cars in snow - it seems some people like videos of cars in snow a bit too much and are willing to pay to watch a car getting stuck in snow. Well provided the car has a lady driver or some such.

Available now on Dvd: Carstuckgirls DVD 032 "A Winter Day" action includes:

'The parking place is full of snow and ice and the BMW has got summer tires ...'

'A lot of spinning tires and car movement.'

Pwhoar!!! I love a bit of snow-bound car based action.  I'm off to order my copy immediately.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

The invasion of the Singers: sewing machines from space

Some points that I think I would like to have on record JUST IN CASE - just in case this time next year we are all slaves of weird and evil aliens from space. Don't say I didn't warn you, etc.

Please note that frequently prophets are said to be mad and ignored in their own time. Perhaps this is one of those occasions; perhaps I am getting slightly over-excited by the weirdness of the contempory world of retail fashion. To whit: all those blinkin sewing machines in this shop All Saints. It's not like they had them in the window for a few weeks - it's been since the summer. Is that it? Are they just gonna keep sewing machines in the window for ever now? Are they? There has to be some logic behind it all. There has to be. So.........
  1. The sewing machines: what kind of marketing meeting was that back in March 2009: The All Saints CEO: "So, John, any more ideas? I was looking at Urban Outfitters n I was wondering if we could maybe throw in a few retro objects - into the window space area - get a kinda wacky WTF! vibe going on.Waddya reckon, yo?" John from marketing: "How about we buy like literallly 30,000 old Singer sewing machines? All black, yeah? All with the gold lettering on em and like literally - literally - put shelves up in the windows and confuse old ladies that want to buy an actual SEWING MACHINE! Huh? How funny would that be? Emo shop assistant/comedy old biddy!!! Completely random. Really crazy. Like we are!!! :0)" "John? John? You can't actually speak in emoticons - it makes no sense. You're fired... No, I'm literally joking - what a great idea! You're figuratively a GENIUS!"
  2. The sewing machines are there to try and hide the crappy clothes on offer with the many many sewing machines. Probably. That sort of distraction technique worked for The Wizard of Oz. It works for that shop with no name and low lighting in the Trafford Centre. It might be called Henley's. If I Googled it it would send me to a wooden website full of bored teenagers tutting and shaking their heads at me. I can't remember the name as I'm not hip enough to go in there. And I have enough lumberjack shirts anyway, thanks. Although I would like a new yellow t-shirt. But I'll buy it online probably.
  3. The sewing machines are a valuable post-modern nod to the role of Jewish tailors in clothes manufacturing back in the olden days. The company has a spare 30,ooo of em cos the 8 year old Indonesian boys they employ to make the clothes prefer to do their sewing by hand, thanks, if that's alright. By candlelight. Whilst weeping and assembling iPods with their feet. For thruppence ha'penny an hour.
  4. The sewing machines: really? How the chuff did they find that many? Did John from marketing go to the Ukraine for a sex tourist holiday and open a warehouse - hoping to find it full of pliable teens but somehow he had gone to the wrong address bla bla - sewing machines - and just go and just go: wow! Wow! Double wow!! What the fuck can I do with all those sewing machines?
  5. The sewing machines: But yeah, okay, I accept them - but it's fashion - so what next? Come Feb - the new spring collection - what will they use to collect dust in the windows and catch our collective eyes? What item could they find in sufficient numbers to fill their windows with kooky retro chic? VHS video recorders (note to John: now Betamax recorders - THAT WOULD BE COOL, DUDE! ;-/ Lolz!). How about something from the hospital - used/removed body parts in jars. Thousands of (fake?) unborn babies in Formaldehyde - like what we used to have the biology labs at school. That would be intense and ensure some media bating shock/horror. Go for it, John..
  6. Obviously, all of the above is bullcrap. This is an episode of Doctor Who. Mechanical items suddenly appear in every high street in the land - quid pro effin quo - an alien invasion is about to happen. One day soon they will wake up and storm out of the windows and start sewing zips into our skulls. We'll all be dead by Valentine's Day. Or pod people working mindlessly at ancient Singer sewing machines to make trousers for giant Martians. The bastards!!!
You probably couldn't be bothered reading it here first.... But don't come unzipping your body parts in my direction come March - it'll be too late then....