Saturday, January 02, 2010

The invasion of the Singers: sewing machines from space

Some points that I think I would like to have on record JUST IN CASE - just in case this time next year we are all slaves of weird and evil aliens from space. Don't say I didn't warn you, etc.

Please note that frequently prophets are said to be mad and ignored in their own time. Perhaps this is one of those occasions; perhaps I am getting slightly over-excited by the weirdness of the contempory world of retail fashion. To whit: all those blinkin sewing machines in this shop All Saints. It's not like they had them in the window for a few weeks - it's been since the summer. Is that it? Are they just gonna keep sewing machines in the window for ever now? Are they? There has to be some logic behind it all. There has to be. So.........
  1. The sewing machines: what kind of marketing meeting was that back in March 2009: The All Saints CEO: "So, John, any more ideas? I was looking at Urban Outfitters n I was wondering if we could maybe throw in a few retro objects - into the window space area - get a kinda wacky WTF! vibe going on.Waddya reckon, yo?" John from marketing: "How about we buy like literallly 30,000 old Singer sewing machines? All black, yeah? All with the gold lettering on em and like literally - literally - put shelves up in the windows and confuse old ladies that want to buy an actual SEWING MACHINE! Huh? How funny would that be? Emo shop assistant/comedy old biddy!!! Completely random. Really crazy. Like we are!!! :0)" "John? John? You can't actually speak in emoticons - it makes no sense. You're fired... No, I'm literally joking - what a great idea! You're figuratively a GENIUS!"
  2. The sewing machines are there to try and hide the crappy clothes on offer with the many many sewing machines. Probably. That sort of distraction technique worked for The Wizard of Oz. It works for that shop with no name and low lighting in the Trafford Centre. It might be called Henley's. If I Googled it it would send me to a wooden website full of bored teenagers tutting and shaking their heads at me. I can't remember the name as I'm not hip enough to go in there. And I have enough lumberjack shirts anyway, thanks. Although I would like a new yellow t-shirt. But I'll buy it online probably.
  3. The sewing machines are a valuable post-modern nod to the role of Jewish tailors in clothes manufacturing back in the olden days. The company has a spare 30,ooo of em cos the 8 year old Indonesian boys they employ to make the clothes prefer to do their sewing by hand, thanks, if that's alright. By candlelight. Whilst weeping and assembling iPods with their feet. For thruppence ha'penny an hour.
  4. The sewing machines: really? How the chuff did they find that many? Did John from marketing go to the Ukraine for a sex tourist holiday and open a warehouse - hoping to find it full of pliable teens but somehow he had gone to the wrong address bla bla - sewing machines - and just go and just go: wow! Wow! Double wow!! What the fuck can I do with all those sewing machines?
  5. The sewing machines: But yeah, okay, I accept them - but it's fashion - so what next? Come Feb - the new spring collection - what will they use to collect dust in the windows and catch our collective eyes? What item could they find in sufficient numbers to fill their windows with kooky retro chic? VHS video recorders (note to John: now Betamax recorders - THAT WOULD BE COOL, DUDE! ;-/ Lolz!). How about something from the hospital - used/removed body parts in jars. Thousands of (fake?) unborn babies in Formaldehyde - like what we used to have the biology labs at school. That would be intense and ensure some media bating shock/horror. Go for it, John..
  6. Obviously, all of the above is bullcrap. This is an episode of Doctor Who. Mechanical items suddenly appear in every high street in the land - quid pro effin quo - an alien invasion is about to happen. One day soon they will wake up and storm out of the windows and start sewing zips into our skulls. We'll all be dead by Valentine's Day. Or pod people working mindlessly at ancient Singer sewing machines to make trousers for giant Martians. The bastards!!!
You probably couldn't be bothered reading it here first.... But don't come unzipping your body parts in my direction come March - it'll be too late then....

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