Sunday, January 10, 2010

Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday snow

Britain + the weather. We love it. We love the fact that it's weather. It brings us together like the 'Spirit of the Blitz' (tm). Strangers talk in bus queues. Neighbours have baths and repeated multi-positional sexual intercourse with each other just to stay warm. It's a glorious thing.

Here is a bit of the bbc website (quoted at length) to back up my tedious and predictable claim (note: I have 'found & replaced' three words in the article - try and guess which ones they are! It's fun for the whole family!!!)

Ahem. Here we go then...

Britain prepares to face blizzard

British households have been advised to stock up on food, medicines and drinking water as the nation braces for a blizzard that is heading its way.

Britain's Civil Protection Office says heavy snowfalls expected on Saturday could trigger local power cuts and severely disrupt public transport. 

Gale-force winds and drifting snow are expected to bring traffic to a standstill in many parts of Britain. 

The British authorities say the situation is exacerbated by shortages of grit for clearing roads.

Airports have called in extra staff and rail operators have warned of delays.

Households have been advised to keep three or four days' worth of provisions, including alternative cooking fuel in case of power cuts. Among the essential items listed by the BBK is a battery-powered radio, for checking weather

In cities like Glasgow, Red Cross workers were setting up heated tents for emergency accommodation as up to 10 homeless people have frozen to death in recent weeks because of the cold weather. from the bbc news bit

Okay then, quiz time: what were the three words I changed? Hmmm? Guesses?

Yes, that's right as I'm sure both of my imaginary readers guessed - I did a find & replace for the words 'Germany>Britain', 'German>British' & 'Dusseldorf>Glasgow'. I took out the Germanic references and put in Britain etc! Hilarious! Pointless? NO. And thrice NO NO NO!!!

Cos here's the thing: in that Germany country they kinda do their best & work all efficiently & such (though they're also low on grit - the dumkofs! They need to get Herr Cameron in charge he would make sure they had enough grit. It's ein disgrace!). But there's an acceptance that yeah, it's quite bad. Really bad. But what are ya gonna do, huh? If we ever get told to 'stock up on food' there will be a bloggerific uproar. 'Gordon Brown to blame for lack of planning: he should have bought more baked beans, say bloggers.'

These German johnnies, they stock up on food & stay in. We bravely press on and travel heroic distances in our cars to our jobs miles and miles away from where we live. We shall not be defeated by the weather! We are King Canute. We must defeat the tide of increasingly weird weather - whilst blaming everyone we can find for not being efficient enough at running trains or gritting roads. La la la. "So much for *Global Warming!*" We say like the amusing and original souls we are. Oh it's all so tedious. The anger, the self-righteousness, the self-congratulation and loud announcements of people arriving at work wanting everyone to know how long it took them to get in (I've done it myself, I'm almost ashamed to say). "Three hours it took me!" I tell them. Although if I was being truthful I'd add: "Just to get out of bed! I really couldn't be arsed today and the weather is a great excuse. I went to my dealer on the way. The weather doesn't stop the crack cocaine, y'know."

I think this is why we won 'the' war & had an empire: just pig-headed refusal to be defeated by stuff. In a really stupid irrational moany way. We do it then we have a five hour summary of what we did. A bit like all these documentaries about the war. Expect most of 2010 to be retrospective documentaries about snow. And our heroism in the face of 'a bit of bad weather.'

It's the same when we go out into the sunshine of Spain in the summer and get burnt like bacon whilst the Spanish are having a sensible little sleep. We want a proper sun tan as quickly as we can! We're only on holiday for a week and we're damned if we're going to follow the 'sensible' advice. We will defeat the sunshine and force it to tan our skin. Pah! I can take sunburn (though I reserve the right to whinge about my self-inflicted pain tomorrow....).

And now we fight the winter weather - and complain if the supermarkets don't have enough kiwi fruits & soya milk. Bla bla bla - eat some turnips like in the olden days.

People from the olden days - the old folks - they tell us meanwhile how schools didn't used to close down when it was snowy. "Elf & Safety gone mad it is!" Probably. More like it's cos the teachers live 50 miles away from the school and can't get there in their cars. And most of the kids arrive by car as well. In the good old olden days the kids walked and the teacher cycled in whilst smoking a pipe and caning every boy he passed for sport. And it didn't do them any harm, did it? Apart from the nervous twitches, emotional remoteness and adult obsession with spanking.

Those were the days. People probably lived within cycling distance of the factory they worked at as well (in the 1950s I'm thinking). Now even agency workers or those at the bottom of the employment food chain often have to travel 25 miles to work. I know, I've done it, I do it. Can't we all do 'job swaps' with the people travelling in the opposite direction? I wouldn't mind being a surgeon or a chimney sweep, if there's any jobs going in my local area...

1963 compared to 2010

Cars - it's all about cars these days. The problems of 'Britain at a standstill' (tm) are defined by cars being stuck. The schools don't open cos the cars can't get there. Fruit & veg can't arrive from Spain cos the trucks can't get here. In the future we'll all have to go back to living in little settlements with allotments & a little local school and a parade of shops. A butcher, a baker and an iPod maker.

Meanwhile we need to try not to fight the power of the weather. We need to be more Zen. Which is easy for me to say. Haberdashery is a word I find much more difficult to say, but that's not important right now...

p.s. having just done a Google search for pictures of cars in snow - it seems some people like videos of cars in snow a bit too much and are willing to pay to watch a car getting stuck in snow. Well provided the car has a lady driver or some such.

Available now on Dvd: Carstuckgirls DVD 032 "A Winter Day" action includes:

'The parking place is full of snow and ice and the BMW has got summer tires ...'

'A lot of spinning tires and car movement.'

Pwhoar!!! I love a bit of snow-bound car based action.  I'm off to order my copy immediately.

3 comments:

  1. The awful thing about the Brits though, is.... if one person can brave the blizzards and get in to work, then he will refuse to understand why nobody else can - no matter how far away they live, or how difficult it would be for them - he did it and so should they. He will expect brownie points for doing so, and the rest who didn't make it to work, will worry about their jobs.

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  2. I hate those heroes. I feel more like a soldier on the Russian front trudging onwards. I'm no hero but they're shoot me if I turn back. I feel like I'm living inside a Chumbawamba song. I fell down the stairs on the bus and I didn't even have the excuse that I was drunk. Painful and embarrassing.

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